


Pour Toujours

by Cielsrighteye



Series: Lonely Souls [2]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Caring Sebastian, Forbidden Love, Grumpy Ciel, Lonely Ciel, M/M, Sebastian has a brother, Silent Treatment, Teenage Ciel Phantomhive, Teenage Sebastian Michaelis, nice claude, peter pan refrences, sadish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2019-08-28 17:38:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16727943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cielsrighteye/pseuds/Cielsrighteye
Summary: Ciel was used to sitting alone. What he wasn't used to, however, was Sebastian Michaelis coming over to his solitary table to flip his whole world upside down.Obsession is truly a fickle thing.





	1. Going Away Means Forgetting

**Author's Note:**

> Can't wait to post the parts for this, although I've got the whole thing done, I'll probably end up editing it right up to the last minute...  
> Music:  
> Lovely ~ Billie Eillish

••• Monday 16th April •••

Shuffling through crowds in the halls was Ciel's favourite sport. He pretended it was a game, don't get noticed and ignore anyone that said anything to him.

Was he lonely? Maybe. Ciel didn't know what lonely meant, not really. Not having friends does that to a person.

Ciel clutched onto his backpack and continued on his way, sliding past nameless people, their faces a blur as well as their personalities.

Ciel wasn't enjoying his game much though, not today. His dog had died.

He mused that he might have actually felt sad, staring at the poor dog as it whimpered its last breath. He wondered if that was how his parents had gone too, whimpering inaudible pleas. Apparently, he was lucky not to remember most of what had happened. That was a lie though, he remembered it fully, he just said he didn't so they would shut up. Quiet, that's all he ever wanted.

Life was as blurred as the people that shouldered him, as he wandered like the lost puppy he was down the corridor.

He was heading for the canteen. To sit alone, to eat alone, to think alone, to be alone. The thought comforted him.

He slid into the seat and stared down at his plate, not planning to eat any of the salad on it. A chair squeaking caught his attention, it sounded too close. He looked up and his eyes widened when none other than Sebastian Michaelis sat down in front of him.

"Hi." Sebastian stated and looked at the smaller teen's food, "you gonna eat that?" He asked. Ciel just slid the plate over. Sebastian raised a quizzical eyebrow and he took a leaf of lettuce and placed it into his mouth. Ciel watched, emotionless. "What's up?" He questioned and Ciel didn't show any signs of thought, he just chose to shrug. "You look more depressed than usual."

"Dog died," Ciel stated simply like it was nothing. Sebastian froze, radish in between his slim fingers.

"I'm sorry." He said and lowered his head.

"Not your fault." Ciel said, "he bullied me, anyway." Sebastian's eyes widened.

The black haired male dropped the vegetable and leaned on the table using his elbows as pillars. _Pale pillars_ , Ciel thought to himself. "You're not sad?"

Ciel shrugged again, "he bullied me."

"You're strange, Phantomhive." Sebastian mused and popped a piece of carrot in his mouth, he looked over to the table his usual group of friends were sitting at. They had bet he wouldn't do it, that he wouldn't go over to the silent boy and take his food, they couldn't have been more wrong. He made sure that he would rub it in their pimply faces.

"Better to be strange than to be boring," Ciel stated and Sebastian couldn't help but chuckle.

"My, my, does Ciel Phantomhive have a sense of humour?" Sebastian teased and Ciel showed the first sign of emotion that conversation, a glare.

"More so than you." He stated and turned his head to look at the clock.

"You really are interesting," Sebastian said aloud and Ciel's head snapped back, glare gone and replaced with his usual face, calm and calculated.

Ciel looked directly at the teen stoically before placing his bag on his back and getting up, "I have chess." He stated and didn't wait around for the male's response. Sebastian looked back to the table, at all the boys staring at him, he smirked, shrugged and placed the last bit of radish in his mouth before making his way back to his friends.

He couldn't help but wonder what being friends with Ciel would be like.

••• Tuesday 17th April •••

The bell rang, signifying lunch. Ciel didn't bother to rush out of the room like his peers, he stuck back and waited until he was alone in the classroom. Instead of moving he looked around, wondering what life would be like without third period with Mr Grosier, their last year of school was bound to be different. He committed the whitewashed walls and dirty whiteboards to memory, without all the other kids in the class he could take a good look at the desks, abused with pen, gum and compasses. 'Tick if bored' notes and 'Adrian + Esme' signs in various forms covered the tables and Ciel let a smile find its way on to his lips. Oh, how peaceful it was to be alone.

At least he was supposed to be alone. When his eyes wandered to tables further behind him, he saw Sebastian looking at him from across the desks, he had a book out in front of him. When Ciel quirked an eyebrow the teen lifted up the novella to explain. "I saw that every Tuesday you stayed here and read, I thought I'd give it a try." Ciel walked closer and took the book from the other's hands.

"What, staying in here or reading?" He asked and Sebastian did the same handsome chuckle as the previous day. _Handsome_. "Of mice and men?" Sebastian nodded and chewed the inside of his mouth.

"Yeah. I know that we have to read it this year so might as well get it over and done with. You might want to do the same."

"Already read it," Ciel said and looked awkwardly at the chair next to Sebastian. The taller student pulled the chair out and offered it to Ciel. He sat down, passing the book back to his peer.

"Did you read it in the holidays?" He asked and Ciel shook his head.

"Year four," he stated and Sebastian couldn't help but stare.

"You're lying." He said and placed the book down on the desk, curling his back so he was facing Ciel a bit better. The smaller male began to trace the carvings in the plastic tables, following the curve of a smiley face with his delicate fingers.

"Whatever you want to believe." The boy said a few minutes later, shrugging before he opened his own book. It had been dog-eared to no end.

"That book looks old," Sebastian said and tried to look at the front cover. It was Peter Pan. An ancient version.

"It was my parents'" Ciel said and buried his face further into the pages, trying to block the prying male out.

"What, did they let you borrow it?"

"No," Ciel said and tried to turn away from the teen. Sebastian followed him.

"A book is a pretty lame thing to steal from your parents." Sebastian tutted.

"I didn't steal it," Ciel said back and Sebastian quirked an eyebrow.

"Then how do you have it?" He asked and looked over Ciel's shoulder. The book was filled with neat cursive handwriting surrounding the actual story. Some notes were blue and unreadable, some black and neet, there was even some text in green scattered around helplessly, drowning in the pages Ciel let his digits graze across.

"It was a present. For my tenth birthday." Ciel replied, voice small. When Sebastian didn't reply immediately Ciel turned around and said sternly, "can I read now?" Sebastian sat back and opened the book, ignoring Lenny and George's story and wondering why a kid like Phantomhive, who at the age of eight read such a difficult book as Of Mice and Men, was reading a child's story from his parents. Sebastian became even more intrigued with the boy and he looked at him through the corner of his eyes.

It was then that Sebastian decided, he would become Ciel Phantomhive's first and only friend.

•••Tuesday 1st May•••

"So... Romeo." Joey drawled and punched Sebastian on the shoulder playfully, "how's Juliet?" He got a glare and a punch back in return.

"Oh shut up, Joey, I'm no Romeo." He muttered and tried to ignore the cackles that came from the people around him, "I'm not."

"Yeah okay, Wordsworth." The blonde teen added as they stalked their way to his house. "Whatever you say, Shelley." Sebastian couldn't contain the smirk that took ahold of his features.

"Har, har, very funny. If I didn't know better I'd say that you'd been paying attention in English instead of flirting with Sarah, with that knowledge of romantic poets and all." He said smugly and the rest of the boy's surrounding them chanted 'oos' egging them on.

Joey rolled his sleeves up and nudged Sebastian to the side so he almost fell into the uneven road. "Alright ladies." Came a loud voice and Claude caught up with them, smirk in tow. "We don't want to see a catfight between you two bitches." He slung his arms over both of the boy's necks and dragged them down a bit.

Sebastian shrugged him off and tutted, "we weren't going to fight." He remarked and noted Cody's knowing glance. "Have you got something to say?"

"Oh, nothing." The boy said suggestively, "it's just... I heard about your little lunchtime sessions with Phantomhive and I thought it was awfully sweet of you." He pulled his bag higher up his back and walked slightly in front of the tall teenager, "never took you for a charity worker."

Sebastian lengthened his strides to move quickly until he came up to the snarky teen. "Ciel isn't a charity case." He looked to each of the boys, turning back to see Ethan and Benny. "And there is nothing going on between us."

"Okay, Okay, you're awfully defensive." Cody laughed and let a delicate hand raise into the air, waving his friend off.

"Ciel's a really nice kid who needs some friends, please don't tease him or anything, okay?" Sebastian said softer than before but with an undertone of severity, "I don't want him being picked on by you idiots just because I want to help."

"We won't." Claude said with a sincere smile on his face, "right guys?" The others in the group gave various replies, all finding it normal for Sebastian to be acting so caring- they knew he was as considerate as a teenage boy could get and Claude knew especially that he took care of everyone.

"Come on Mother Theresa." Joey grinned as he ran a hand through his quiff, "let's hurry up back to mine, I'm bloody starving."

••• Wednesday 2nd May •••

Once again, the chair squeaked on the cold floor and Ciel sluggishly pushed his plate over, offering Sebastian his salad. It had become a habit, for Sebastian to meet him at lunch. Ciel wondered why he wasn't with the rest of his friends, not that it mattered much. "I'm getting glasses." Sebastian smiled and Ciel didn't bother to look up. Sebastian took a slice of carrot and let it crunch between his teeth, his gaze stayed on Ciel, the kid's head lowered, as always. "I'm long sighted." He declared and leant back in the blue plastic chair a bit more. Ciel lifted his head slightly, "what about you?"

Ciel shrugged, "I'm short-sighted in my right eye." Sebastian raised a delicate eyebrow. "Why are you here?" He asked suddenly.

"You're interesting." He smirked, happy that the boy was finally showing an interest in him.

"I'm not," Ciel mumbled and turned to his bag, resting comfortingly on his thigh. He slowly opened the zipper and removed a book, the same book he had been reading a couple of weeks prior. Sebastian just watched as the male opened the pages and began reading.

"Giving me the silent treatment, eh?" He stated with a grin and Ciel didn't look up. Sebastian took a piece of rocket and slipped it into his mouth, he chewed thoughtfully. He could tell Ciel wasn't reading, the times in which he turned the pages was too consistent, it didn't seem natural.

With that thought in mind, Sebastian stood up from the uncomfortable chair and began walking. Ciel sighed lightly in relief, _finally fed up with me?_ He thought to himself. He soon realised that Sebastian now stood behind him, looking at the words on the page. Ciel tensed when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder and the taller teen leant in, his breath ghosted Ciel's ear and he fought back a shiver. "Freedom is a state of mind." Sebastian read aloud and Ciel blushed, slamming the book shut, the ravenette looked to Ciel. "Did you write that?"

Ciel shook his head and fiddled with the zip on his bag, "My father."

Sebastian couldn't contain a small laugh, " _Father?_ Who calls their dad, _father?"_ Ciel looked down again and the corner of the deep green book caught his attention, even the cover was frayed. Someone who doesn't have one. Ciel thought to himself.

He silently put the book back and placed the bag on his person, standing up. "Bye, Sebastian." He said and turned to leave. Sebastian shot up, standing in front of the teen, he had not spent a fortnight of his life earning this boy's trust only to let it be broken by a measly insult.

"Where are you going?" Sebastian asked, "I was kidding. You can call your dad whatever you want."

"It's fine," Ciel mumbled and tried to walk past the boy with brown eyes. "Leave me be."

"No. I swear you have serious mood swings." He said quickly and moved, like a mirrored image, every time Ciel attempted to escape.

"Oh shut up," Ciel muttered and realised that heads were starting to turn in their direction. The one thing he couldn't stand. Attention.

"Please stay," Sebastian stated more than asked, raising his voice. Ciel nervously looked around, all eyes trained on him. It felt like the walls were closing around on the boy. Why didn't Sebastian listen to him? This was why he didn't like his peers. He could hear the whispers coming from the stupid students and he felt a headache coming to life. He narrowed his eyes and tried to look as calm as possible,

"Stay away from me." He hissed and barged past Sebastian as hard as possible. The eyes and mumbles followed him out of the canteen and he picked up his pace considerably.

Ciel practically ran to the sports hall, hiding around the back. He let his bag fall around him, a quiet thud sounding on the concrete. He pulled out the book that his parents had given him and he traced the cursive writing that marred the cover as he slid to the floor, ignoring the scraping sensation the uneven wall gave him.

He slipped the book open and read the paragraph his father had written;

_To Ciel, You're already 10!_  
When I turned your age, my grandfather gave me this book and it's my turn to pass it on to you.  
_I am so very proud of you, my brave boy. Please look after this and give it to your son - Your mother is definitely excited for that day to arrive, she told me not to write that bit but I already had._  
_Whatever you decide to become, whatever you do, wherever you go and whoever you choose to be with, your Mother and I shall be with you, on and by your side. Pour Toujours._

Ciel let his head loll down and press into the page, he felt the tears coming to his eyelashes, dancing on the edges. His hair spewed out on the browning pages and he hugged the last thing his father had ever given him close like it was his lifeline.

And it was.

•••

Ciel wandered out of the silver school gates and began to walk to the library, it felt like everyone's gazes followed him, he was still shaken up from lunchtime.

Whenever someone laughed he thought it was because of him and he hunched his shoulders over. "Ciel." He heard a familiar voice state and he lifted his head. Sebastian stood by a tree that paved the street. The teenager had taken his jumper off, lean arms on show as he had rolled the sleeves of his shirt up. The hype bag he wore was slung over one shoulder in a laidback manner and his hair was slightly out of place, a large portion of his fringe resting on his thin nose, smattered with freckles from the late spring sunshine.

"Do you mind if I walk with you?" Ciel didn't object and simply carried on walking, allowing Sebastian to catch up, said teen nudged him on the shoulder and Ciel let his head fall back slightly so he could look into the brown eyes. "I'm sorry for earlier."

Sebastian breathed as if it was the hardest thing he had ever said, and Ciel assumed it probably was.

"Where are you heading?" He asked and Ciel rolled his eyes lightly.

"Library." He murmured.

"You sure like books, don't you?" Sebastian laughed, the blue-eyed student simply shrugged and turned his head away from the piercing regard. "I tried looking for you at lunch but I couldn't find you." Ciel didn't reply and Sebastian didn't expect him to, "you're really good at not being noticed."

"Had a lot of practice," Ciel mumbled.

"I didn't realise you existed until year two when you played a shepherd with me in the nativity, can you remember that?" Sebastian said dreamily.

Ciel nodded his head, "You hit me." Sebastian flinched at the accusation.

"You know I didn't mean to, right?" Sebastian said defensively and Ciel shrugged.

"Sure," Ciel said sarcastically, walking up to the doors of the library, Sebastian's mouth parted slightly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'm coming in." Sebastian announced and one of Ciel's eyebrows raised, "I have work to do and I want to carry on talking to you, I can't believe you think I hit you on purpose!" Ciel didn't respond and walked in after raising an eyebrow in suspicion and scoffing, Sebastian followed like a dog and it was apparent to the short student that it was the first time he had been there.

Ciel waved to the librarian - Pamela who smiled back and walked over to the pair, "Hello dear, the books came." She looked over the stoic boy and noticed Sebastian awkwardly standing behind him, looking dishevelled,"Oh, is this your friend?"

Ciel looked Sebastian over before shaking his head, "Stalker fits better."

"I am not your stalker!" Sebastian blanched, "I am his friend." Ciel huffed and turned back to the woman as if Sebastian had just said the most ridiculous of sentiments. Ciel? Having a friend? That was unheard of.

"What do you want me to do today, Pam?" Ciel asked, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. The woman snapped her gaze to the slate-haired male. Her brown slip-on's moving awkwardly as her socks slid over them, her eyes brightened though, the brown in them seemed to be glowing with the mention of books.

"Well, that new order came so you could put those away and then if you could sort through the returned books, that would be great." She spoke. Ciel nodded and walked away from the pair, to the back, to grab the box of books. Sebastian stood still, not sure as to what to do with himself.

Ciel turned back, "You can sit at a table and do work if you want." Sebastian nodded slowly.

The librarian looked towards Sebastian and took a step forward, "I'm glad Ciel has found a friend." The aforementioned teen stepped out, looking adorable carrying the boxes bigger and definitely heavier than himself, both people stared at him, eyes softening. "These past few years have been tough on him and I think that he prefers to stay silent than to turn to anyone."

Sebastian faced the aged lady, "I don't know if he really wants me hanging out with him, to be honest."

The woman chuckled, "I think he likes you." she carried on looking at the boy, "He's not pushed you away yet and he's allowed you to come with him. If he really wanted you to go away, you wouldn't be here, he's very manipulative and incredibly smart."

"Tell me about it." Sebastian grumbled, "He is always beating me in everything, it's annoying."

The woman laughed. "I think that studying keeps him calm, just like reading... he's his own worst enemy." She sighed, "he would come here every day when the _incident_ happened." Sebastian just furrowed his eyebrows and she just carried on talking, "he's a strange little boy, quiet, isolated, I think a friend is just what he needs."

Ciel grumbled as he tried to reach a higher shelf, Sebastian chuckled, "I think he needs some assistance."

The woman smiled and padded to the counter. Without a word, Sebastian walked behind Ciel. He plucked the book out of his hands and placed it on the highest shelf. He heard Ciel intake a sharp breath and attempt to move backwards, effectively bumping into the taller teen, their bodies pressed together and Sebastian bit the inside of his cheek.

He stepped back and Ciel turned around, glare and blush planted on his pretty, pale face. _Pretty_. "Need help?" Sebastian asked coyly and Ciel turned away. "I can put some of the books away if you want."

Ciel shook his head as he rolled the sleeves of his black jumper further up his thin arms. "Your work, that's what you're here to do," Ciel mumbled and turned back to the box of books.

"But you can't even reach the shelves. Come on, you can get it done quicker if I help." Sebastian said a bit more desperately than he intended. Ciel couldn't be bothered to argue with the annoyingly insistent male so he passed him a book reluctantly.

"Use the Dewey System for non-fiction," Ciel stated and his head disappeared in the box, digging through for books that belonged on the lower shelves. When he returned back to the surface Sebastian was still standing in the same place. "Unless you're too stupid to know what that is..."

Sebastian clicked his tongue, "Not knowing something like that doesn't make me stupid. I bet I'd know more about video games than you." He smirked and Ciel shrugged.

"You'd be surprised." Ciel hummed and gave Sebastian a stack of books. "There's a poster over there that tells you the way it works." He motioned in the direction of the front desk.

The boys worked in silence, a comfortable silence. Ciel was surprised that Sebastian was so quick to learn the way the books should be placed and he got on with it.

"I didn't mean to hit you." Sebastian suddenly said and Ciel looked towards him.

"I know." He said and royal blue met rust brown. "I was joking."

Sebastian huffed, "I thought that you were actually offended... I bet that you don't even remember it." He placed a book on a shelf and walked over to where Ciel was logging the books, ticking them off the invoice.

"I do." Ciel droned, "Claude threw baby Jesus to you and you dove in to catch it, missing the baby and slapping me." Ciel mused. "I got a nosebleed."

"It was scarring." Sebastian admitted, "I refused to play basketball at lunch for weeks."

Ciel put the pen he was using down. "Really?"

"Yeah, if I had hurt someone else I don't think it would have mattered but you're, like, made out of glass. Too delicate." To prove his point he lifted up Ciel's thin wrist and inspected it. The teen pulled his arm away, not liking that he had been touched so carelessly.

"I'm not delicate." He muttered and tried to cover his blush with his hair. "And you're no better, a tall, hollow branch," Ciel smirked. It was the first time Sebastian had seen such a thing on the student's face and oh how he wanted it to stay there.

"That makes you a twig, a thin, tiny twig." Sebastian challenged, "I think you're gonna be small forever." He added and Ciel looked down at the page filled with text and picked up the pen again.

"Pour toujours" He mumbled to himself.


	2. When You Leave This World Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos last chapter  
> By the way, I'm not the best at German, even though I've done it for GCSE, so if there are any mistakes please tell me so I can change it, thanks!  
> Translations are at the bottom :)
> 
> Music:  
> Despicable ~ Grandson

••• Sunday 27th May •••

Ciel had a desk next to his window. He would always look out of it whilst drinking his tea, feeling regal. The streets down below weren't the prettiest things but he cherished them, knowing that he could be somewhere much, much worse. He could be dead.

Walking into Ciel's room was like stepping into his mind, it was filled to the brim with books and school work, bursting at the metaphorical seams. That's all he ever thought about, after all. At least it  _was_. Sebastian. The name played with Ciel's tongue as he slowly flipped through the pages of a book, looking out of his window every now and then, as if the student would just appear at his door, stupid smile and messed up hair in tow.

He first knew of Sebastian on his third day of Reception. The boy had punched someone in the face, causing him to not be the sort of person Ciel would hang out with. He steered clear of the child, not wanting to be next on his hit list.

Forced to meet in year two, Ciel had no idea why they were both given sub-main parts, or why he had a part at all. Sebastian was surprisingly gentle and calm and much to his surprise, they became friends whilst practising, not that they ever saw each other outside of the classroom.

Ciel found it terribly ironic when Sebastian accidentally slapped him. It seemed to the newly fifteen-year-old like he was always getting a slap round the face for trusting- not in a literal sense in most cases.

He pushed his chair away from the desk, taking one last look out of the window. His counsellor would be coming. Ciel didn't really like her but that didn't prevent his foster parents from demanding it, they were always so worried about his mental health, that he'd cut himself or do worse. Why would he? The view from his window wasn't the prettiest thing but he was still alive.  
  
  


Sebastian mashed the buttons on his controller, "Oh, you're going down." He laughed.

'As if.' Claude said back through the headset, 'I've basically won already.' Sebastian leant further forward on his blue bed, legs crossed, teeth biting down on his lip. Claude cursed when Sebastian shot at him again. A knock at his door sounded and Sebastian paused the game, Claude grumbled, 'What was that for?'

"Wait a minute, someone's at the door," Sebastian mumbled.

'If it's a murderer and you get killed, I'm taking the win. Sorry.' Claude said through the microphone and Sebastian tutted before taking his headset off. He padded up to the door and opened it slowly.

Little arms curled around his torso and he sighed, stroking the hair on the boy's head, "Bruder." the boy wept.

"Are you alright Hans?" The boy shook his head, nestling deep into the person he trusted most in the world - his brother. "Is your mum mad?" The child nodded his head and Sebastian sighed, pulling him into his room.

Hans sniffled and slumped down on his older brother's bed, Sebastian put the headset back on, "Claude, Hans is here. That okay?" He plopped the headphones onto his brother's head before getting permission from his best friend and the little boy wiped his snotty nose on his sleeve.

'Hey Kleiner Mann, everything okay?' Claude asked and Sebastian pulled his brother onto his lap.

"N-no." He sniffed and leant on Sebastian's chest.

'That's a shame... I can't exactly come over right now and make you feel better but I can beat Bas on a game of Halo, wanna watch?' Claude said jokingly and the boy said a hushed 'yes'. 'Pass me back over to Bas then and I'll ask if I can call instead.'

The boy did as he was told and gave it back to his brother, "Claude?"

'Imma call you so you two can both speak to me. Just cause I'm that popular.' Claude mused and Sebastian clicked his tongue, a smile on his lips all the same. 'Oh, and Bas.'

"Yeah," Sebastian said and grabbed his phone from in his drawer.

'How's Ciel?' Claude asked, 'you've been spending more time with him than you have with me. And I'm a needy fucker.' Sebastian laughed and turned his phone on, Hans had grabbed his brother's pillow and began hugging it.

"He's warming up to me. Sorry that I've been with him a lot, I still don't know what's bothering him." Sebastian mumbled. "And I know it's annoying for you guys and it started off as a dare but he isn't the stuck up kid we thought he was."

'Careful, don't want to fall in love with him, do ya?' Claude laughed and Sebastian could almost hear the cocky grin through his headphones.

"Don't worry, that won't be happening any time soon." He muttered and looked at his phone screen, waiting for his friend's name to pop up. "Wasn't it you who said he looked like a girl? A cute one." Sebastian smirked.

'But wasn't it you who had a crush on him a few years ago?' Claude asked seriously and Sebastian coughed loudly, blushing.

"Where did you get that idea from? I'm straight!" Sebastian defended and Claude just laughed.

'Sure thing, Bas... he  _is_  cute and I'm glad he makes you happy. Imma call you now.' He stated and Sebastian acknowledged him with a 'Hm', mind lost in thought. Sebastian looked over to his duvet and his eyes softened, noting the way his brother was curled up in the sheets, he was his half-brother really but they got on like brothers.

He had a mop of blonde hair, dirty blonde, just like the boy's mother. Sebastian and Hans shared the same copper-brown eyes and the child had freckles, Sebastian did too. Not nearly as many as his little brother or 'Kleiner Bruder' as he called him, but they were there in the summer and if one looked close enough, there were still a couple the whole year round.

Sebastian didn't see the boy as his half-brother because he was scared, scared that he'd turn into Hans' mother who was Sebastian's stepmother. The witch he called her. She fooled his father with her blonde hair, green eyes and giggly personality. He despised green eyes. They made his stomach turn. Those green eyes replaced his mother's blue ones.

Deep blue, like the ocean. Her dark hair was captivating as it swished on her back, Sebastian would brush it for her on Sundays, before church. 'I tell you now, Bas. When you're older someone will appreciate just how amazing you are.' she would say as they looked out of the window together, light pouring into her lap. 'don't ever think that you are not worthy of someone special. They will come along, just when you think it will never happen.' Sebastian would tut, blush and complain that she was being silly to which she would smile and face him, 'they will love you, Bas.' she would always promise as her eyes looked into his - the most beautiful shade of blue, like waves crashing on weathered rocks and lightning bolts in a rain-torn dusk.

Deep, blue, captivating... just like Ciel's.

The ringtone on his phone caught his attention and he picked up the phone, passing it on to Hans so the child could speak to Sebastian's best friend while he mulled over the most devastating loss he ever felt and the contemplation that maybe, just maybe he could find someone to keep and call his own.

'they will love you, Bas.' rang in his mind and he smiled.

••• Monday 28th May •••

Ciel sat down and waited for that familiar sound to come from the other side of the table. He ate his sandwiches but left the salad, as always. And waited.

He heard the sound, the one he knew so well now. He slid his plate over without bothering to glance at the male, the conversation would start in media res and that's just how he liked it.

"Do you have an Xbox?" Sebastian asked and Ciel stared down at the table, a droplet of water catching his eye as he brushed the invisible dust from his jumper.

Ciel shook his head, "I have books."

"PlayStation?"

"I have books," Ciel stated again and Sebastian huffed. The slate-haired male looked up and his eyes widened slightly. "What happened to your face?"

It was Sebastian's turn to look away, "I fell." Ciel's eyebrow quirked, "really."

Ciel pretended to be staring at the water droplets on the table but in truth, he was staring at the bruise that marred the usually flawless teen's face. "I had an Xbox when I was little."

Sebastian paused, "why don't you have one now?" Ciel shrugged his lithe shoulders.

"Can't afford it."

"But you just said that you used to have one." When Ciel just stared blankly Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, unintentionally showing off the full impact of the bruise on his cheek. "I'll never understand you."

Ciel couldn't stop staring at the bruise, "does it hurt?" He asked suddenly and Sebastian looked him in his eyes.  _Deep, blue, captivating._ Sebastian shook his head. "I don't like liars," Ciel said dismissively, face flashing with disgust for the shortest time.

He stood up and shouldered his bag, Sebastian's face dropping, not knowing how to repair the damage he had apparently done. "You're just gonna walk off like that?"

"Are you coming?" Ciel asked and tutted, "ice pack." He stated, pointing to his own cheek and Sebastian's eyes widened.

"Oh." He said quietly, "sure."

Sebastian began to wonder if Ciel even had moods.  _Yes._ He concluded,  _he has stoic, judgemental, confused and embarrassed._ Sebastian wondered if the boy possessed happier emotions. He did when he was younger.

He was quiet back then, but not silent. Like a doe, sweet and placid.

Sebastian wasn't that sure when it changed, but it did. Ciel didn't come to school for a couple of months, without any reasoning and he never really spoke to anyone in his year after that. Even when they moved up to secondary school he never spoke and Sebastian wanted to know what Ciel had gone through.

Everything the smaller teen said didn't add up and it made Sebastian frustrated, he considered that the male could have been playing a game. Sebastian wrapped around his little finger.

No, Ciel was just silent. Alone.

Sebastian hissed when Ciel pressed the ice pack to the wound, Ciel rolled his eyes and pushed it on harder for effect. "That hurts," Sebastian mumbled.

"Good," Ciel stated. "You didn't treat it properly."

"Oh,  _I'm_  sorry." Sebastian said sarcastically and Ciel pushed the ice pack harder, irritating the weak skin, "ow, ow, okay! I surrender." Sebastian placed his hand over the top of the ice pack and Ciel let go.

The boys had never walked through the halls together before and it was surprisingly awkward. Neither knew what to say and Ciel wished that he could go back to playing his game of ignoring everyone. That was extremely difficult to do when Sebastian was by his side.

It seemed like everyone they passed had stopped them to talk with the extroverted teen and Ciel stood around, considering the consequences of him just up and leaving.

He got a few weird stares from some of the people and it made him squirm. A very familiar, baby-throwing face came into view and Ciel looked down, desperately wanting to get out of the situation. "Hey, Bas."

"Oh hi, Claude," Sebastian said and smiled sweetly, the taller teen caught Ciel's eyes and he looked down, embarrassed.

"You with Phantomhive?" Claude asked and smiled at the smaller kid, Sebastian nodded, "you guys do actually talk, don't you? Cause I'm not one to judge, but I feel that just sitting in silence is a bit weird."

"I talk." Ciel spat and Claude recoiled.

"I think that's the first time you have spoken to me in years." Claude laughed and walked closer to the secretly nervous male.

"I save my voice for people worth my time," Ciel said nonchalantly, trying not to pay attention to the proud smirk that had taken hold of Sebastian's features.

"Oo la, la... Ciel thinks you're worth his time Bas... I'd hop on that bandwagon while you have a chance." He drawled and Ciel shifted uncomfortably, Sebastian blushed slightly and glared at his friend.

"Come on Ciel, I think we should leave Claude alone," Sebastian said and nudged Ciel's shoulder with his own. Ciel looked at the amber eyes, filled with mirth and playfulness before he rolled his own and turned around sassily.

Sebastian held back a few steps and whispered in his best friend's ear; "please don't ruin this for me."

"I would never dream of it." Claude smiled and pushed Sebastian on the small of his back, "Go on you dummkopf, dein kleines Kätzchen wartet." He said too loudly for Sebastian's liking.

"For the last time, er gehört nicht zu mir." Sebastian tutted and rushed off down the corridor to meet Ciel again, trying to ignore the words the ravenette had spoken.

•••Saturday 2nd June•••

|Unknown| Hey, is this Ciel?

|Me| Yeah, who is this?

|Unknown| Oh, it's Sebastian Michaelis from school, I was kinda worried that you'd given me the wrong number

|Me| Why would I do that?

The question hung in the air as Ciel stared at the screen in front of him, his leg began to bounce, a habit he had acquired as a child - one his parents had so desperately tried to stop him from doing.

He quickly entered the contact detail and a sad smile graced his face when he realised that this was the first number he had outside of his family.

|Sebastian| idk, just a possibility  
|Sebastian| so what are you doing today?

|Me| going to the library, Pam needs some help setting up a kids group

With that thought in mind, Ciel grabbed his headphones and pocketed his phone, he looked out of the window. The sun curled around the trees that were dotted around the street corner and he noticed that the orchids Penny had planted were beginning to flower, pinks and purples creeping up the edges. It brought a subtle smile to his face as the light kissed his pale cheeks.

He looked in his mirror as he passed, adjusting his forever messy hair one last time before he began to walk out, the sounds of his socks were muffled by the soft carpet that lay beneath him which allowed the buzz of a phone to startle him.

He fumbled with the Touch ID as he tried to uncover what Sebastian wanted to say. He sighed when it was just a message from his network company, offering a free movie if he bought a premium something or other. He couldn't be bothered to read the whole message.

Looking out of the window once more he decided to take his jumper off, leaving it spewed out on his bed. His phone became a comfortable weight in his pocket and he plugged his earphones in and clicked play, they hung down his leg as he made his way to the cupboard under the stairs. He had to pass many 'home sweet home' plaques and that in the like, much to his chagrin.

His eyes homed in on his pair of dull red sneakers and he pulled them out, unsettling a pile of old newspapers his foster parents had endeavoured to collect. They slipped on nicely, the material stretched and worn after years of use. If he focused carefully, he could even make out the little splodge of white paint he had got on his shoe when decorating his room. He sighed, shaking his head and closing the door once again with a click.

"Ciel?" He heard Penny call from the living room, behind her sweet voice the sound of a dull soap opera seemed to be reverberating around the enclosed space, the teenager had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. "Are you heading out?"

"Yeah." He called back, voice cracking due to it being the first time he had spoken that day, he cleared his throat before continuing, "I'm going to the library, I'll be back by lunch."

The information was returned with an uncaring 'okay' and Ciel stepped out of his house and began to walk to the council-funded building. The last of the blossoms fell at his feet as he stepped into the town, he passed random people and hoped that none of them knew of him - he didn't need that right now.

Secretly, Ciel was listening out for a buzz on his phone, any sign that Sebastian had paid attention to the information he had told him. It was definitely a new thing for Ciel to be messaging someone and it worried him how much he had changed in the space of a short few weeks.

He waved subtly at Pam through the glass doors that led into the library and he made his way in, goosebumps raising as he walked under the strip of airconditioning that attacked his skin. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Sebastian smiling at him, a pile of books in hand.

The small teenager came up to stand in front of the pair and he glared, "what are you doing here?" He asked with a small amount of bite to his tone.

Pam smiled and saved Sebastian from the interrogation, "don't worry dear, he kindly offered to help with the kids' group. He has a younger brother so it should be brilliant." She patted Ciel on the head and strode off in the other direction. Sebastian offered a sheepish smile and Ciel found that he couldn't stay mad at him.

"Hey." Sebastian said quietly, black hair falling endearingly on his well-structured face, "when you said you were helping with a kids' group I thought that you might want some help. I can go if you want."

Ciel stared for a few moments, gathering his thoughts, "no," He said slowly, "no... you can stay." He admitted and began to turn his music off, slipping the earphones into his pocket. "I guess you'd know more about ten-year-olds than me."

Sebastian nodded and grinned, "I have Hans and I think Claude counts as well." They laughed quietly before the taller of the two was led into a coffee room of sorts. The cream coloured walls reflected the main vibe given off by the space, calm and collected. A large plastic table, dotted with blue patterns was sat in the middle and the red chairs were stacked in the corners, waiting to be used.

"Come on, we need to put these chairs around the table and get a cloth so they don't get paint everywhere," Ciel explained and walked in the direction, worn soles clicking delicately on the plastic floor. The natural light filtering in through the windows made Sebastian's stomach churn, Ciel looked like he was in an old photograph and Sebastian mused that if he put a flower crown on the boy's head and set him in a field, he would look as idyllic as the soft spring breeze that flew in through the open window. "Are you going to help?" Ciel asked and snapped Sebastian out of his scary thoughts.

•••

Ciel looked mortified. A dollop of bright blue paint was smeared over his cheek and Sebastian was practically on the floor laughing, tears falling from his eyes. Around them, several kids giggled and tried to attack the poor teenager again.

Ciel ducked away from various grubby fingers and paint brushes. "Please stop!" He squealed and it didn't help his case. "If you don't leave me alone I'll... I'll." A little girl grabbed onto his shirt and dragged some pink paint up his arm and he yelled at her, which only egged the imps on more. "Sebastian!" He called and made eye contact, trying to scowl but not finding it in him. "Please, they listen to you." He was dragged back and attacked by adoring children.

"Alright." Sebastian laughed and stood up, his height towering over everyone in the room. "Come on, guys. Leave little Ciel alone." He grabbed some of the paint brushes and came to his friend's side. He knelt down and offered his hand, a dazzling smile making Ciel's heart flutter. "You okay?" He hummed and chuckled at the dumbfounded look on Ciel's face.

Sebastian licked his thumb and rubbed the blue paint off of his cheek, Ciel moved backwards slightly but at the same time felt that he shouldn't. Nobody had doted on him like this since his parents and it made him all the more confused. "Thanks." He said breathlessly.

"That's alright. If I couldn't do that, then what kind of friend would I be?" He murmured and helped the frail boy to his feet, "Imagine how today would have gone if I wasn't here." He mused and ruffled the teenager's hair.

"Yeah, I guess I should repay you somehow," Ciel said quietly, noting how the children had returned to their previous post of making a mess of random bits of unsuspecting paper, the table had various blotches of water where they had been too eager to get a different colour and some of the chairs had random stickers added to their frames.

"Come to my house." Sebastian stated seriously, "that's how you can repay me, by coming to mine to play video games. You said you don't have a console so it's the least I could do."

Ciel blinked, an invitation? To a friend's house? To a friend's house which most would be happy to go to? Him? "Would anyone else be there?" He questioned, voice guarded once more.

"No." Sebastian smiled, "unless you want there to be, which is totally cool, totally." He mumbled quickly, trying to hide the fact that he wanted Ciel to himself.

"I wouldn't want anyone there," Ciel admitted and felt a blush creep up his neck. Going to a friends house, that was normal enough, right?

••• Monday 25th June •••

"Wanna come over tonight?" Sebastian asked and leaned across the canteen table, heart in his throat. Ciel shrugged and the taller of the two pouted, "Oh come on, you promised you would  _weeks_  ago."

"Why do you want me to?" Ciel questioned and stared at the pieces of cress that were scattered around the plate in front of his one and only friend.

"We've been friends for months now and you still haven't hung out with me." Sebastian huffed and crossed his arms in front of himself. Ciel looked up.

"We go to the library," Ciel stated and Sebastian tutted.

"That isn't hanging out." Sebastian scolded and scratched one of his arms, a scab placed neatly across the top of his fair skin, smattered in freckles due to the warm weather. "I want you to come round so you can play something with me on the Xbox." He carried on picking the scab and Ciel frowned.

"Don't do that, it's disgusting," Ciel stated and Sebastian's arms fell to their sides immediately. "I'll come." Ciel huffed and Sebastian's face lit up. Ciel tsked and turned away.

"Really?" Sebastian asked and leant further forward on the table. Ciel didn't like it when Sebastian acted excited, it made him seem too young, too innocent, too happy to be seen with the likes of Ciel Phantomhive.

"Why not?" Ciel mumbled, "As long as I can pick up some bread on the way back, we ran out." Sebastian nodded obediently.

•••

"Who are you?" Hans asked when Ciel stiffly walked through the child's front door.

"Hans this is Ciel, my friend. Ciel this is Hans, my little brother." The child looked at the teenager, noticing that he wasn't much taller than himself. He had been told about Ciel, sometimes Sebastian would go on tangents about him for ages and now he could see why.

Ciel knew that Sebastian had a brother but the only feature that was the same was their eyes, it unnerved him slightly but he tried to offer the kid a smile. It was weak, but there. "You look like the woman." Ciel spluttered and Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't he Bas? The woman on the piano, with the blackish hair."

"Don't be silly." Sebastian laughed, although his mother had the same air about her as Ciel did, proud yet kind.

"Seine Augen sind wie Diamanten." Hans whispered, in awe. "Ich mag seine Augen, sie sind genau wie die der hübschen Frau." Sebastian nodded in agreement and Ciel shifted on his feet.

"Er ist hübsch, sehr hübsch." Sebastian admitted, "Er macht mich nervös." He swallowed hard and tried to keep his composure.

Hans giggled "Bas ist verknallt. Bas ist verknallt." The boy chanted and carried on giggling, even when Sebastian pinched him on the cheek.

"Go on with you." He laughed and the kid raced off down the hall. Sebastian looked back up to his guest, "Want anything to eat?" Sebastian asked and Ciel shook his head. "You sure? I swear you don't eat much." He commented and looked at Ciel's impeccably small waist.

"I wonder whose fault that is." Ciel remarked, "You eat most of my lunch."

Sebastian shrugged sheepishly, "You could always say no." He turned on his heel before the small teenager could comment and showed him the way to his room.

"Your brother seems to adore you," Ciel said quietly and Sebastian turned around, "I always wanted a brother, you guys seem close."

"We are." Sebastian said proudly, "Not that we're actual brothers though." He sighed, "We have different mothers." The rust-eyed male opened the door to his bedroom, feeling more nervous than ever to have another male walk into the smallish room.

He let Ciel look around, like a cat in a new terrain. The boy slowly stepped in and paced around the medium sized space, fingers trailing over different games and books. It was like the teenager was blind, getting to know the place using his hands and not his eyes. Sebastian could only watch, eyes following the boy. "I speak French." The boy announced, "do you speak German?"

Sebastian nodded and walked so he was next to his tiny friend. "My father is German." He looked at what Ciel was holding, a picture of Sebastian and Hans at a party, all smiles. "What about you?" Ciel looked up, "How come you can speak French?"

"My parents taught me," Ciel stated and put the picture back down. "It's been quite helpful."

"My favourite word is Fremdschämen ." Sebastian grinned. "It doesn't translate properly but it's the pain you get when someone makes a fool of themselves, something I have to put up with a lot." Ciel looked at the teen sceptically, not sure how to take the sentiment. "What's your favourite word in French?"

"Pour Toujours." Ciel mumbled and Sebastian quirked an eyebrow.

"That's two words." he chuckled and sat down on his bed, motioning for Ciel to follow suit.

"It means one word though." Ciel huffed and sat down reluctantly, almost falling into the heavier male. Sebastian raised an eyebrow and Ciel looked at his thumbs, "it means forever."

"Why is it your favourite word?" He asked and sat so he was facing the boy, the person he was infatuated with.  _It was the last thing my dad ever said to me._  Ciel wanted to say, but he didn't. Instead, he shrugged.

"I guess I don't like endings."

•••

"How!?" Sebastian groaned in defeat as Ciel cooly K.O'ed the teen, "I thought you said that you didn't have any gaming consoles."

"I don't," Ciel stated and almost couldn't contain the pride that was welling up inside his chest.

"But I beat everyone!" Sebastian said like Ciel should have known that fact, "chess I would have expected you to win, but this? I've been playing this forever." Ciel smirked lightly, savouring the content moment, not wanting to let it go. "I have got to tell Claude." He sighed and reached for his phone.

Ciel dived over, "don't!" He called and spewed over Sebastian's lap.

"Why?" Sebastian asked and looked down at the teenager trying to get the phone out of his grip, light blush playing on his cheeks, "it's impressive."

"I don't want to talk to him," Ciel mumbled as he reached his arm out to grab the device, Sebastian raised his arm high in the air. The breath jumped out of his throat when Ciel practically  _climbed_  him, now both of the teenagers were blushing. "Give me the phone."

"It's not like I'm videoing you or anything. Just a phone call."

"Please Sebastian." Ciel practically whimpered, he looked up with _those eyes_. "I don't like phone calls." Sebastian nodded slowly and lowered the phone, Ciel breathed a sigh of relief and let his head loll onto the pillows.

Sebastian would definitely be sleeping on that pillow later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> German:   
> Bruder - Brother  
> Kleiner Mann - Little man  
> Dummkopf - idiot  
> Fremdschämen - explained in the story  
> Seine Augen sind wie Diamanten - His eyes are like diamonds  
> Ich mag seine Augen, sie sind genau wie die der hübschen Frau - I like his eyes, they are just like the pretty woman's  
> Er ist hübsch, sehr hübsch - He is pretty, very pretty   
> Er macht mich nervös - He makes me nervous  
> Bas ist verknallt - Bas has a crush


	3. The Dreams You Have Really Can Come True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the Kudos :)  
> Next chapter is my favorite
> 
> Music:  
> Long Way Down ~ Robert DeLong

••• Saturday 7th July _•••_

_Promenons-nous dans les bois. Pendant que le loup n'y est pas. Si le loup y était. Il nous mangerait, Mais comme il n'y est pas. Il n' nous mangera pas. "Loup, y es-tu ? Entends-tu ? Que fais-tu ?", "Je mets ma chemise !"_

The song played over and over as Ciel stared up at the wolf that was moving on the little plank of wood. He flicked the animal on its nose and slammed the lid on the toy, cutting off the painfully sweet melody. Turning back, he glared at the woman. "I've told you before, I don't want anything."

"Please, Ciel." The woman said, "your parents would have wanted you to have it." Ciel laughed spitefully and turned away from her.

"I don't care." He looked around the loft, it was humid, and dark and not where Ciel wanted to be. The only light source was that of a small window, tinted yellow with age and neglect. Particles of dust danced past the glass, teasing Ciel's nose. He snapped his head around to face the nervous female. "They're dead, it's not like they can force me to keep their junk."

The woman's face fell. "That is no way to talk about them!" She walked up the male, arms folded over his chest, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "It's your responsibility to look after what they owned."

Ciel's jaw tensed and he glared at the woman. "It was your responsibility to arrive on time for the dinner, and look where we are." He seethed, "Your laziness cost my parents their lives,  _Aunt Red_ , so don't you dare talk to  _me_  about responsibilities." Ciel witnessed his aunt breaking in front of him, if he hadn't been so angry he might have felt bad for her. She took a step back and sent her nephew a glare of her own.

Shakily she spoke, voice cracking unattractively, "There hasn't been a day that has gone by where I haven't mourned the loss of your parents... but... it was five years ago." Ciel didn't show any hint of emotion, "and I don't think that we dealt with you the best. Clearly, somewhere more suitable for people like you would have been a better option." Ciel frowned.

"What do you mean  _people like me_?" The boy glanced at the insulation pouring out the frames of the house, really wanting to leave.

The woman sighed and brought her arms around herself, becoming her own support beam. "You know..." When her nephew only deepened his frown she swallowed harshly, "people who have been traumatized... and who haven't recovered well."

Ciel scoffed, "I am fine."

"You don't talk to anyone, Ciel." She murmured.

"I talk to you." He derided and Angeline shook her head.

"People your age, darling. You've never been friends with your peers." She said with a heavy heart, feeling guilty and empathetic towards her lonely, lonely nephew.

"There's someone." He whispered and thought of Sebastian. "Someone tolerable." His Aunt's eyes widened and a slight smile broke out on her face, Ciel didn't think it suited her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Do you like them?" She asked. Ciel shrugged sheepishly, "Do you really like them?" Ciel's collar suddenly felt so much tighter and the humid loft felt even warmer.

"W-what are you talking about? Stop trying to change the subject." Ciel stuttered and cursed himself inwardly. The damage, however, was already done. His aunt's mood changed in what felt like seconds and he couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Oh, you must let me meet her!" She cooed and brought her arms around the boy, Ciel had the wind knocked out of him and found himself awkwardly tapping her back.

"Her?"

"I just know that a girlfriend is what you need." She sighed dreamily and pulled her nephew's head further down, almost suffocating the fifteen-year-old. "I was so worried." She admitted and pushed the younger away, holding him on his shoulders, "I thought that we would have to send you away for some help and you'd be alone forever."

Ciel was at a loss for words, "you were gonna what?"

Angeline tutted, "don't worry about that now! Oh, I'm so pleased." She moved Ciel like a doll, making him feel like one of the objects his parents had passed onto his unwanting hands, "tell me, what is her name? What does she look like? Is she smart?"

Ciel swallowed,  _send me away..._ "Her name... her name is... Sienna." He felt his cheeks heating up and knew that Sebastian and Claude would find the situation more than funny. "She's tall. Really tall. With longish black hair. Erm." He coughed and could feel the heat reaching his ears. "Brown eyes... but they look red."

"Is she pretty?" Angeline asked and took comfort in how normal her beloved nephew was acting. She couldn't wait to tell her husband.

Ciel nodded shyly, "kind of."

"Smart?" Angeline continued, hoping that she wasn't prying too much. Ciel nodded his head and turned around dismissively.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this. It won't make any difference." Ciel lied through his teeth. It would make a difference, if he was going to be sent away he would need to lie, he knew it was hypocritical but necessary.

The teenager looked around the ageing room once more, noting the boxes and photo albums that he would never bare witness to before he left, climbing down the ladder again and leaving an overly excited family member alone, where he hoped she would stay.

••• Monday 10th September •••

Squeaking on the floor sounded and Ciel looked up through his eyelashes, noting the jolty way Sebastian had pulled the chair out.  _Something's different today,_  he mused and pushed his plate over.

"Ciel..." Sebastian began and tried to make eye contact with his extremely disagreeable friend, "I wanted to know if you wanted to watch something this weekend." That did make Ciel look up.

"Meaning?" Ciel asked.

"Meaning that there is a movie on at the cinema that me and some friends are watching and I wondered if you wanted to come. I'm sure you'll enjoy it." Sebastian said wryly, trying to keep his nerves to a minimum.

"No," Ciel stated and turned to his bag, fishing around for a book to read. That signified the end of a conversation. Well, it usually did.

"Come on, Ciel. Why not?" Sebastian asked and twiddled his thumbs anxiously, hating the person Ciel always managed to reduce him to.

"I don't like it." Ciel murmured, head in a book. Sebastian growled low in his throat and leaned over the table, plucking the book from his little friend's hands.

"You don't like what?" He asked and Ciel shot him an annoyed look. The teenager tried to lunge for the book but Sebastian pulled it further away. "You don't like what? The cinema?" Ciel grumbled and tried to reach his escape from the conversation.

"Your friends." He said sourly and stole the book back during Sebastian's moment of contemplation and then realisation. Smugly, he opened the pages and carried on reading as if he hadn't just insulted his only companion.

"What's wrong with my friends?" Sebastian asked cautiously, voice low with annoyance, "I don't think there is any reason you shouldn't like them."

Ciel continued to idly stare at the pages, turning with a satisfying rustle. Sebastian lowered his eyelids and looked at the teenager. He wondered what Ciel would do if he walked off, although he already knew the answer. Nothing.

"Give me a good reason for not liking them." He stated and Ciel lowered the book slightly, glaring. The smaller of the two cleared his throat and straightened his back, placing the book down on the light wooden table, not closing the pages.

"Okay..." He placed a delicate finger to his chin and feigned thought. "They only have football or video games in their peanut sized brains. They harass any girl that they find moderately attractive within a five-meter radius. I seem to remember Joey only getting a grade 3 on his English end of year test, they are rubbish at video games, no matter how amazing they claim to be. They smell of sweat and wrong choices as if they haven't showered for a month. Which they probably haven't... and one of them throws babies at unsuspecting shepherds."

They stared at each other for what felt like forever, before Sebastian's lips rose slightly and he couldn't help the loud laugh that erupted from within him. Ciel froze, blushing involuntarily and looking around to see if people were staring.

"Shut up." He hissed, "I swear to God-"

"I... I can't believe you said that!" Sebastian laughed and clutched his chest tightly. "That has got to be the best thing I've ever heard! You wait until I tell them."

"No, don't." Ciel pleaded and Sebastian carried on laughing, gradually calming down.

"P- please let me tell Claude at least... or Joey." Sebastian breathed and finally looked back at Ciel to see him glaring daggers.

"You are not to utter a word about this, Sebastian. I'm serious." Ciel warned, "I don't need people to hate me more than they already do." The taller teenager looked down, quirking an eyebrow.

"W-what do you mean?" He breathed, coming down from his high. "People don't hate you."

"Totally," Ciel said sarcastically and picked his book up again, concealing the dash of pink on his pale cheeks.

Sebastian mulled over his words and his face softened, "you think people hate you?" He asked and leant on one elbow, looking towards Ciel.

Ciel only covered his face further with the book. "I'm not going." Sebastian huffed and leaned back on his chair, picking up a slice of lettuce and chewing on it thoughtfully.

"If you come with us to the cinema, I'll go wherever you want me to go tomorrow evening," Sebastian promised and tried to sense some sort of change in the way Ciel was reading, but to no avail.

"Some of us have other stuff to be doing after school," Ciel muttered and carried on reading, trying to focus on the words that were almost aimlessly spewed on the paper, it annoyed him greatly.

"Du bist unerträglich." Sebastian sighed to himself, "come on. Anything you want to do."

Behind the book, Ciel bit on his bottom lip, considering the proposal and wondering whether it would be stupid to take Sebastian where he had first considered. "Fine." He bit, "I'll watch your stupid move with your stupid friends." Ciel shoved the book back onto the table but the expression Sebastian was wearing was not helping him out.

He had a smile on his lips and it was reaching his eyes, Ciel began to wonder how someone's smile could match them so well. He found it irritating.

"Stop pulling that stupid face. You look like a dog." Ciel huffed but Sebastian didn't stop his content smiling, "Ugh, you're the worst."

"You won't regret this," Sebastian said, Ciel grumbled and placed his head in his hands, looking like he was annoyed but secretly trying to hide the embarrassment that had threatened to consume him.

•••

Ciel stared out of his window, leg bouncing due to his nerves. He was waiting for Sebastian to pick him up and he was not feeling comfortable. He had tried to distract himself all evening by reading and studying but nothing helped. He hated Sebastian's friends, he hated everyone's friends to be honest. It was scary to the teenager that the only person he actually liked was Sebastian and in a strange way, he wanted to keep the friendship Sebastian had offered between themselves.

Sebastian meant more to Ciel than Sebastian did to any of his other friends.

The rain had started to trickle down the glass, signifying the first few days of autumn. Small patches of condensation gathering in the corners of his favourite window.

The slate-haired male looked at his bedside cabinet before grabbing the little book that sat innocently on top of it. He opened it to the next clean page and began writing, not thinking too much about what he was actually putting down.

_I am really confused. I don't want Sebastian to be friends with anyone else. He eats with me, reads with me after lessons on Tuesdays and comes to the library with me after school. I want to show him that he means so much to me so I am taking him to the little building, the one that my mother took me to. I am looking forward to it but it makes me scared that he won't like it._  
_I really hope he does._

There was a knock at the front door and Ciel looked out of the window. He recognised a couple of people from school but other than that they all looked much older than himself and Ciel had to take a deep breath.

_Sebastian has a lot of scary friends._

He added as an afterthought before shoving his bag on his back, making his way towards the pack of wolves that waited in the car outside.

Ciel was so much smaller than everyone else, Claude didn't need to see it to believe it. He was worried that the little teenager would look like a rabbit surrounded by his peers and himself, out of place and uncomfortable. Claude stepped back from the doorway as it opened and smiled at the apathetic looking teen, wearing a large jumper with its hood up, jeans and trainers - it was the most laid back Claude had ever seen him. He always refused to wear his own clothes on mufti days.

"Hey Kätzchen, Sebastian is running late so we're taking you," Claude spoke as comfortingly as he could without coming across like his mother whilst pointing to the car filled with three other teenagers.

Ciel looked from the car to Sebastian's best friend unsurely, "okay." He mumbled and Claude smiled, taking the fact that Ciel had said anything as an achievement.

"Sebastian's really sorry." He added as he turned around, "I don't get why he's so obsessed with you, Kätzchen."

"What does that even mean?" He mumbled, unamused.

"What? Kätzchen or that Bas is obsessed with you?" Claude asked and turned back to the small male who just shrugged, Claude assumed that the kid wouldn't talk anymore so he just showed him to the car, rushing due to the cold rain that covered their hoods.

•••

"So, how was it?" Sebastian asked hopefully as they walked out of the Odeon. The gaggle of unruly teens wandered in front of them, some laughing, some dazed, some making fun of the FX and some even recreating the scenes. It was a bit overwhelming for Ciel as he walked out into the cool Autumn night.

When Ciel looked up at Sebastian he didn't have it in him to dismiss him - not this time. He had invited probably the most anti-social, selfish person he had ever met to do something that he enjoyed, and Ciel felt so comforted by the thought. Sebastian had stuck with him and not gone off with another group of people, as promised.

"It was nice." Ciel said, "We could do it again sometime."

Out of all the things he had seen in the movie, nothing could prepare him for the look he saw on his only friend's face. His lips curled up innocently and his eyes softened, ruby-like irises spilling forth, matching the colours of the leaves that swam in the cool air.

Tall street lamps turned on, guiding the way home. Little puddles shone in the light, a comforting sight, and the air smelled of dew - like the aftermath of a storm, eerily calm and quiet.

"Ciel and I are going to walk home, is that okay with everyone?" Sebastian asked no-one in particular, and after receiving no negative responses, the pair split off from the group and began to wander down an alleyway. The street lamps became more sparse, long distances of darkness flowing down the blocked off streets.

Ciel couldn't hold back the shiver that wracked its way through his tiny frame, causing Sebastian's attention to turn towards him, they paused in the thin gap of the walls and Sebastian looked Ciel over, making the teenager feel a little bit more than awkward.

"You don't have a coat." The taller of the two noted and Ciel just stood in front of him, "Don't you have asthma?" He asked, Ciel just looked at him, dumbfounded, "you had an attack at our year three sports day."

"How do you even remember that?" Ciel mumbled and shivered again, trying to suppress a cough that was fighting tooth and nail to become present in his already quieter-than-usual voice.

Sebastian tutted and began to take his own coat off, draping it over the lithe body that stood before him, feeling the goosebumps that greeted his skin. Ciel was really quite the spectacle, drowned in the warm orange light of the lamp post, his own heavy coat and now a pretty blush that was not as rare as Sebastian once thought.

"Thank you." He almost whispered and Sebastian just smiled.

"Not a problem." He said happily, who had secretly always wanted to lend his coat to the tiny male. They continued in a comfortable silence for some minutes. "I don't think I've ever seen your house before."

Ciel didn't respond as per usual and Sebastian looked down at him, shoulders hunched slightly as the wind softly ruffled his hair. Such a delicate little thing. "Sebastian." He mumbled as they came onto the main path. "There's something I need to tell you."

Sebastian looked down at the boy, "what is it?" He asked and tried desperately to meet the blue pools that held all the emotion he hid away from prying eyes.

"Well, my parents..." He began but was stopped when a honking of a car horn could be heard, dragging them out of the quiet bliss they were sharing. The car stopped in front of them and the passenger window was rolled down, Claude grinned at the two boys.

"Hey, lovebirds. Sorry to interrupt... Bas, if you want to come round mine tonight then you'll have to let me drop Ciel off cause my mum is gonna  _kill_  me." He called out, "I was supposed to be home half an hour ago."

Sebastian looked to the chilled being standing next to him, considering his options, "are you okay with driving the rest of the way?" he asked and Ciel nodded, "okay, Claude, make space for two more."

Claude nudged the person sitting to his right, telling them to change their destination, he turned back to look at them, "okay, Ciaran said that Phantomhive can hop in too." Sebastian guided Ciel to the back seats, understanding the teenager's obvious unease with the whole situation.

When they pulled up to Ciel's house Sebastian made sure to commit it to memory, it was small, squeezed in between the other houses down the road. Red brick coated the building and yellowish lights glowed in the cold street of the quiet town. There was a dark blue front door with silver numbers, aged with rust, that stated the number 33. The door was hidden in a small alcove that was paved with dark red tiles, rustic in their manor and a large window was placed to its right with another one directly above it. Ivy crept up the red-brick walls and the small front garden was filled with various types of plants. It was a pretty house, it seemed loving and welcoming. Not the sort of place Sebastian was expecting his little friend to be living in.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Ciel said as he left the car and the three other occupants inside it. It left Sebastian wondering; what was it that Ciel was going to say about his parents?

•••Tuesday 11th September•••

"Ciel," Clara called from across their form room, Ciel looked up, face blank as a canvas, devoid of any emotion as she beckoned him forward. Making sure to shut his book away from prying eyes, he made his way over.

Sebastian was stood by the door, a smile painted on his face. Ciel could appreciate fine art, and this was no exception, Sebastian was an oil painting, grand and bright. There was an explicit meaning with implicit intentions. He could be appreciated and kept in some art gallery, making everyone who had the fortune to pass this masterpiece happy. He was contagious, his smile, his laugh, his pure unadulterated emotions, he wore his heart on his sleeve and it made Ciel's breath hitch. "Hey." Sebastian waved and looked into the corridor, "I wanted to talk about tonight."

"Surely you could have just spoken to me about it at lunch," Ciel mumbled, trying to keep his calm demeanour under control. A student passed by them, saying a hushed sorry as they rushed into the English classroom.

Sebastian slouched on the doorframe and looked up at the ceiling, "I mean, I could have. But I'm too excited to wait." He grinned, staring at seemingly nothing. "So," he continued, eyes moving downwards to look at the boy that stood in front of him, looking dumbfounded, "when are we meeting up?"

"Err," Ciel stuttered and shifted on his feet, "well, I mean, we could go straight after school." Sebastian nodded, completely in awe of the teenager. He couldn't help but wonder how he looked so perfect, so calm and collected, even when there was something burning beneath his skin. Whether it was hate, anger or sorrow, Sebastian couldn't be sure but it was there. And it was eating the boy away, bit by bit. "And... and we could always get something to eat beforehand, we might be a bit late back."

"That sounds nice," Sebastian said softly and smiled just as daintily, "although it can't be too late, I need to finish off my RE assessment." Ciel quirked an eyebrow, he didn't need to say anything - Sebastian knew he was being told off. "What? I was busy." He defended.

"Playing video games." Ciel sighed and pulled his jumper down further, the chill of the air conditioning reaching him.

"The fact that you'd even suggest that is unbelievable," Sebastian gasped, feigning shock. It made Ciel laugh lightly, the sound caught on the hum of the vents above them. "I'll see you later, okay?" Sebastian chuckled.

Ciel hummed in response and offered a small wave before he walked back into the classroom, a small smile curling his lips. From across the room, Claude laughed and shook his head before going on his phone once more.

•••

"Is it... outside?" Sebastian asked and hoisted his bag further up his back. Ciel nodded, tight-lipped. "Okay... is it... in the town centre?" Ciel shook his head and Sebastian groaned, "can't you just tell me?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Ciel asked and walked slightly quicker, in an attempt to hide the smile Sebastian had managed to put on his face once again.

Sebastian only had to speed up a little bit before he was at Ciel's side once again, obnoxious laughter filtered through the air from a random group of year nine girls, discussing television shows they were watching on Netflix, boys cheered when Finlay finally grabbed the bag Harrison had hung from the tree. Ciel didn't understand how he hadn't noticed all this happiness before, it must have been there in his life without him realising it. And all because of his self-pity. "I didn't know the word fun was in your vocabulary."

"Thanks," Ciel mumbled, but before he could make a snarky retort, however, his bag was pulled off of his back and he gasped with the force of his body being shoved backwards, it felt like one of the trees lining the path had grown arms and was dragging him into the earth they resided in.

Sebastian looked back, shock written on his own face before Ciel's head tipped to the sky and a grinning Claude met his line of vision. Within a second, he was back on his feet as he tried to regain his composure.

"Claude you shit! Give that back!" He heard Sebastian yell down the road and suddenly it dawned on Ciel that he didn't have his backpack on him anymore, Claude laughed as he raced down the path and Sebastian wasted little time in running to catch up with his best friend.

Claude turned back and yelled out, "come on Phantomhive! Don't make your boyfriend do all the work!" He laughed playfully and dodged a gaggle of year tens, winking at one of the girls, "hey Hannah, looking nice there." He stated as he rushed past. She blushed and was surrounded by her giggling friends, the teenager felt accomplished.

Ciel huffed and looked around self-consciously before he began running too, he caught up to Sebastian for a moment before he felt his legs growing weak, Sebastian grabbed his wrist and smiled at him, "this'll be a piece of cake."

Ciel laughed back and let Sebastian take control, weaving through the students leaving their school, Claude cursed when the pair of dark-haired teenagers came into sight. He was jumped at by Sebastian and the three of them yelped as they went crashing to the floor. "Ugh, what the hell, Bas?" Claude groaned and rubbed his elbow.

"Sorry." Sebastian laughed sheepishly as he stood up, helping Ciel up successfully, albeit a little shakily. He handed the small teenager his bag back and sighed. When Claude held his hands out, asking to be helped up, Sebastian shook his head. "That's for taking Ciel's bag."

"Hey, don't leave me on the floor, Bas." He said as the duo began to walk away, ignoring him completely, "that's not fair!" He called and saw Sebastian's shoulders moving up and down with laughter.

A few minutes late, Claude felt his phone buzz in his pocket and a grin met his face when he read the message.

|Bas| Thanks, Claude, I owe you one.

The teenager didn't need to ask what for, he already had a clue.

|Me| Just hold his hand next time, you idiot.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> German:  
> Du bist unerträglich - You are insufferable  
> Kätzchen - Kitten


	4. You Mean More To Me Than Anything In This Whole World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit kudos if you enjoy :)
> 
> Music:   
> Somewhere only we know ~ Lily Allen

••• Tuesday 11th September •••

"Where is it you wanted us to go?" Sebastian asked as he and Ciel continued to walk back from school.

"You'll find out," Ciel stated and continued on his way, leaves crunching under-foot as the light slowly faded from their vision. Their black shoes clicked quietly as large crowds of unruly teenagers shouted and laughed past them, some waved to Sebastian and he smiled politely, rolling his eyes when Claude ran past on the other side of the road with his other friends- making a love symbol with his hands and chanting 'love is in the air'. Even if the guy had helped him a few minutes back, it still irked him to no end. Maybe he could understand why Ciel was so hesitant to hang out with them.

"I'm sure wherever we go will be great." He assured when he noticed how Ciel seemed to be so on edge.

"That's not it." Ciel said and shook his head, sighing as if laboured, "I've never... shown anyone the place I'm taking you to before." He mumbled and didn't continue, not wanting Sebastian to reply - and he didn't.

They came up to the entrance of the local woods and Sebastian looked at the place sceptically, "not to be the bringer of bad news, Ciel. But I've been here many times."

"I'm not talking about the woods you idiot," Ciel said with a slight smirk playing on his lips. "Just follow me." Sebastian was happy to comply, he was even happier to comply when a small hand was held out to him.

A smile broke out on his lips as they took each other's hands and began to move swiftly through the woods. Sebastian was dragged past the undergrowth, ducking under branches that his taller frame would crash into and squealing quite childishly when he almost hit a cobweb.

Ciel  _laughed_. He  _laughed_.

Sebastian stopped moving altogether and Ciel sprung back, turning around and furrowing his eyebrows, still panting with a relaxed look on his face. "What?" He asked.

"N-nothing." The taller teen said quickly, letting go of Ciel's hand, "thought I saw another spider is all."

Ciel giggled again, the sweetest, most pure sound that Sebastian had ever had the opportunity to listen to, it danced on the wind, playful like an autumnal leaf. Bright and just as fleeting at Ciel's smile. It mussed Sebastian's hair and covered him in the comfort no burrow ever could. It was bliss. "I wasn't expecting you to be so scared of something so harmless."

_I'm scared of you_. Sebastian thought to himself, completely in awe of the young man that he had become enraptured with, and who could blame him? "Where are we?" Sebastian asked and looked around the setting he had been pulled into, noting that he had not been there before.

"We are at the deepest part of the woods." Ciel said quietly, "my father took my mother here on their first date." The boy said, words dying on his tongue when he realised the implications they left in their wake, glad that they had stopped holding hands mere moments ago.

"Strange place for a date, if you ask me," Sebastian said, saving the fact that this could be considered one for later.

Ciel parted the branches that were slowly withering away and he beheld the little clearing that was home to the tower he loved so dearly.

"What is this?" Sebastian breathed as he followed the tall, stone building with his eyes. "How come I didn't know this was here, it's huge."

"This is my favourite place to be and no one else knows it's here," Ciel said, transfixed on the small building.

"Makes my trip to odeon seem a little underwhelming." Sebastian chuckled and took a step forward so he was level with Ciel. "Is it safe?"

Ciel nodded and shifted towards Sebastian until their shoulders bumped together. "My mother said that it's been around for hundreds of years... not that I believed that or anything," Ciel muttered and Sebastian looked at the kid fondly.

Ciel began to walk towards the building, his younger, yet taller peer following close behind. They made it to the worn wooden door and Ciel pushed it open.

Sebastian coughed when dust hit them as he felt in his pocket for his phone, Ciel covered his mouth with his jumper sleeve and nudged his way through the cramped doorframe.

The flashlight from Sebastian's phone only made the place feel eerier, it was definitely old, the dust floating around just as it had done in Aunt Ann's loft.

Ciel looked around a bit, resorting to getting his own phone out. When he turned on his own light, he felt a rush of nostalgia wash over him. It was just as it used to be.

The cobbled walls climbed high, cobwebs coating them delicately. The room was circular and vast, a small fireplace lay on the opposite wall and the remains of a material sofa from generations ago. Random bits of cloth lay strewn out on the floor, marking an old kitchen and bed area, it was simple and oh so painful for Ciel to see again.

Sebastian took the area in, noting the overly musty smell that made him want to gag. He watched Ciel intently, he noticed the glint in his eye and the words that seemed to die on his tongue. "It's beautiful," Sebastian said softly and Ciel let a small smile overtake his features.

"That isn't everything." He stated and put his backpack on properly, motioning for Sebastian to do the same. He walked to a winding staircase that was hidden in an alcove, secretive and perfect. They had to pull up a latch that stopped the door from being opened before they could step in.

"I... don't do well with spiral staircases," Sebastian said quietly and Ciel turned back to him.

"Is there anything you aren't scared of?" He asked cheekily and began walking up the stairs, making sure to keep his balance.

"I'm not scared of cats." He smiled to himself as he walked up the staircase.

"Oh yes, I remember. That day on the playground in year five when you shoved that godforsaken cat in my face." Ciel huffed. "Samuel really shouldn't have let the beast come onto the school grounds in the first place - 'school cat' my ass."

"I didn't know you were allergic!" Sebastian implored, "Hey, Ciel, are you listening? I said I didn't know you were allergic." Ciel carried on walking quicker, taking advantage of the fear the teenager had of the stairs as he became impatient, longing, desperately reaching for the latch on the little trap door that he needed to get past.

The view from the top of the building was what he was waiting for - it was the reason it became so magical and why it held such a place in his heart. He needed to sit on the roof and just stare, stare with his friend and let all their responsibilities drip away.

The creaking of the door sounded and Ciel sighed contently when the familiar view came into his vision. He had forgotten how beautiful it was. The teenager crawled out of the hatch and waited patiently for his friend to reach him, taking to peering down the dark staircase that Sebastian was having a hard time climbing.

Sebastian looked up, the sharp colours of the setting sun only making Ciel's face look more radiant as it leant down the small hole in the roof, staring intently.

Two strong hands placed themselves on the roof of the building as Sebastian heaved himself up, crawling so he was next to Ciel, Sebastian's breath caught in his throat when he saw the landscape in front of him.

"We are still in Northamptonshire, right?" He asked quietly and Ciel nodded, dangling his legs off the edge of the building. "We're still on earth, right?" He asked and Ciel laughed under his breath.

"Do you like it then?" Ciel questioned hopefully and Sebastian faced him.

"Like it? I love it!" He exclaimed and turned back to the mural. The trees surrounding the clearing split in little gaps to show the glittering brook they had passed on their way, the golden leaves leapt around the setting sun and little wooden helicopter plants fell from the trees most serenely. The fields that separated them from the town created a barrier between the hustling reality that pushed and shoved and took and never gave back, and the two silent boys sat on the old roof, school uniforms scruffy and dishevelled, legs hanging off and weights in their hearts.

"Do you ever just wonder what it would be like falling from a high building?" Ciel suddenly mumbled, turning away from the beautiful view and onto an equally beautiful teenager, "I just think that it would be an amazing way to die."

"You're strange." Sebastian laughed before looking down and frowning, "it would be scary and you'd have to be brave."

"Are you not brave?" Ciel queried and Sebastian shook his head sheepishly, smiling contagiously.

"Not as brave as you. Not by a long shot." He hummed, "would you actually though? Would you actually jump?"

"Sure." Ciel sighed, "if I wanted to."

"...you don't want to though, right?" Sebastian said, concerned and Ciel laughed again, shaking his head. "Good. Because that would be really... sad."

"Nah, I won't jump. Life isn't  _that_  bad." Ciel beamed, eyes outshining the hue of the setting sun which bathed them in a pretty light.

They didn't know what was happening, they couldn't even comprehend the meaning behind what they were feeling.

That might have been why they didn't think much when Ciel placed his head on Sebastian's shoulder or when Sebastian brought a hand to the boy's hair and stroked, revelling in the smooth strands that surrounded his fingers as they stared contently, together.

Falling in a way they never had before.

•••

|Ciel| No way

|Me| Why?

|Ciel| I've told you so many times before that I don't call people

|Me| Come on, just one little phone call, you can hang up whenever you want

|Ciel| You won't get mad?

|Me| Of course not

Sebastian's heart stopped when his phone began vibrating, his palms started sweating when he clicked the answer button, his hands shook when he brought his phone to his ear and his voice cracked when he said hello, the word coming out broken and squeaky.

'What did you want to talk about?' Ciel asked through the device, voice soft yet demanding, utterly breathtaking.

"Well I enjoyed today so much, I just wanted to speak to you," Sebastian admitted and sighed heavily.

'I-I'm glad you liked it.' Ciel stuttered and Sebastian smiled, knowing that Ciel was just as nervous as he was. 'Maybe we could go there again some other time.'

"That would be nice," Sebastian responded and cradled his phone next to his ear, he didn't know if he'd ever get a chance like this again so he was going to savour it. "Do you know the definition of salvation?"

'Why?' Ciel questioned and Sebastian tapped his pen on the desk he was sitting at before laughing nervously.

"RE essay." He stated and heard Ciel scoff on the other side.

'Of course.' Ciel muttered, 'I should have known that you wouldn't have done it yet.' Sebastian leaned over to his bed and grabbed the pillow Ciel had been leaning on a few weeks before, it was placed softly on his lap and he curled into it.

"So how are things?" Sebastian asked and grabbed onto the pale blue material with short nails.

Ciel hummed, 'Okay.'

"Reading anything new?" Sebastian said, wanting to push the conversation on, he wanted to hear more of Ciel and he knew how to coax a response from him, books.

And how Ciel talked about the books he had been reading, tales of old, newly published stories from budding authors. Depressing books, funny books, ones that dragged you by the cuff of your neck and ones that danced to a soulful tune across the pages. Some that took you on a long journey that twisted and turned and others that were short and sweet, like baby pink blossoms in the springtime.

Sebastian had never felt such an urge to read, to go out and buy copies upon copies of classics, to devour each and every single word that coated the paper.

Ciel softly recited lines from his favourite stories as Sebastian laid his head on the pillow that was placed atop the desk, phone by his ear, eyes closed and smile on his chapped lips.

"What about Peter Pan?" Sebastian hummed, as Ciel waited for his next question. "I'm surprised you haven't mentioned that yet, you seem to love it."

'That's a bit different.' Ciel mumbled, 'my dad gave it to me on the day he-'

"Sebastian." A cackle came from the hall and Sebastian jolted upright. He looked around the room to check there was nothing out of place before he spoke again.

"I'm sorry, Ciel. My step mum needs me. I'll speak to you soon, okay?" He sighed and stood up, back popping in various places as he made his way to the door.

'Okay.' Ciel all but whispered, 'sorry for rambling.'

"You didn't-" Sebastian heard the drone of his device as it signified the end of the call and he felt a pang of guilt in his stomach.

"Sebastian!" The voice called again and Sebastian threw his phone on his bed.

"I'm coming." He shouted back and left his room, pillow still on the desk and phone on his bed.

••• Sunday 30th September •••

Breath came out in little puffs of fog as the two teenagers made their way up the road. The mist twisted around them, grabbing onto their gloved fingers and reaching their noses, Sebastian shoved his hands into his pockets, looking to Ciel.

He found it amazing how someone so small, so tiny could handle the cold. Especially someone small and tiny with asthma. Ciel's nose was red, his lips were chapped and turning blue. His face was even paler than usual and his hair curled around his ears due to the damp that engulfed them.

The thin layer of frost kept them company as it crunched beneath them, banishing the otherwise silent street. Every now and then a car with its lights still shining would give them an idea about how far they were from their destination; the library.

Sebastian shivered when a drop of water fell from a pipe overhead and Ciel raised an eyebrow, it seemed as if the little thing had something to say, something on his mind. Not that Sebastian would pry.

"Thank you for coming." Ciel practically whispered, cold reaching his jean-covered thighs, "Pam will be very grateful."

"I would say that you'd do the same for me, but I'm not sure that's the case." He laughed, his cheeks felt frozen in place, dull and throbbing but he ignored the numbness in his face for the one in his heart.

A smile on Ciel's lips was a very curious thing. It was as if it were a snowflake, gliding through the crisp air. Rare, complex, unique. And it only ever lasted for a few seconds, then it melted. The turmoil that Sebastian had so desperately tried to figure out replaced it - thawed that beautiful expression.

Down, down, down... until it disappeared.

"I would." Ciel whispered, "I would come if you needed me to." He stated but chose not to elaborate and Sebastian mourned the loss of the smile and accepted the small frown that creased his eyebrows, a permanent reminder of his misanthropic behaviour.

And it was only Sebastian who saw otherwise.

They managed to reach the library a few minutes later, with Sebastian stumbling at an unexpected pothole and Ciel almost crashing into a lamp post that seemed too camouflaged to have not been hidden on purpose.

The librarian greeted them, her presence almost as warm as the central heating that the two teenagers were happy to bathe in. "Hello, boys." She said in her usual northern accent, "I'm glad you came and at such short notice."

Sebastian smiled and took his coat off, offering to do the same for Ciel. "How are you, Pam?" He asked and placed the outwear items on the coat rack.

"I'm doing well my dear. How is Hans?" She asked and hobbled over to the desk to pull out a lollipop.

"He's fine." Sebastian sighed, "lost a tooth the other day." The woman laughed heartily and placed the sweet in the teenager's hand.

"This is for him." She stated, "and this is for you." She said before pulling Sebastian into a hug, the boy was hesitant but not unused to the affection.

The woman turned to Ciel, who was smirking at Sebastian's unfortunate encounter before he too was dragged into an embrace. Sebastian smiled, feeling accomplished and the small teen glared at him.

"How are you, my dear?" She asked softly, "Are Carl and Penny treating you well?" She asked, curious. Ciel went tight-lipped and nodded stiffly, Sebastian raised an eyebrow at the mention of two people he had never heard of before. "I heard they were thinking of getting you a pet, to replace Sebastian, is that right?"

"Sebastian?" Sebastian questioned and raised an eyebrow.

"My old dog." Ciel clarified before turning back to the librarian and shrugging, "first I've heard about it." he mumbled and began to walk in the other direction, "what time does the coffee morning start?" He asked, heading for the kitchen.

"Ten o'clock, dear." She called out, "But I expect Micheal will turn up early." No reply was needed or given. Pam knew that the boy had heard, he always heard. She paid attention to the other male, who she had come to adore in the months he had been friends with Ciel. "They are just going to love you, I know it." She sighed and stared up at the handsome fifteen-year-old.

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure." Sebastian laughed nervously and placed a hand behind his neck, "I don't think I'm that likeable."

"Come off it, if Ciel likes you then anyone can like you." She chuckled, "in fact, I've never seen someone become so close to him, poor kid."

Ciel came back into the room, frost dripping off of his trainers, he looked between the two people before sighing and grabbing his bag, muttering something about being the only person working and how Sebastian basically is an old woman.

•••

"Ugh, Sebastian, it's three eggs, not two." Ciel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as he hovered over Sebastian with a cookbook, legs swinging on the counter. "Sebastian, are you listening?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it." He mumbled and waved Ciel off with a flour-covered hand. He grabbed another egg and cracked it into the bowl. "What next?"

"Measure out the sugar and put it in the bowl as well." Ciel said before looking at the bowl, "don't put any more than two hundred grams... Sebastian!" He called again, Sebastian's head snapped up.

"What?" He said innocently.

"That's way too much, they're old so too much sugar will make them hyper or whatever," Ciel grumbled and hopped off the side, book shut around his finger so that he would not lose his place.

"How do you know that's too much? I think that it is the perfect amount," Sebastian stated and crossed his arms over his chest, getting flour on his top. Ciel raised an eyebrow.

"You're awful to work with." Ciel complained and took the bowl from the counter, looking into it, "there's as much sugar as there is everything else, what will Pam say?" Ciel tutted, "I thought you said you could cook." Ciel turned back, eyeing Sebastian condescendingly and smirking.

"I can! I cook every day for Hans." He defended and Ciel stopped his motions of walking to the bin to ask the question currently burning in his brain.

"Why do you cook for your brother?" He asked and stepped a little closer to Sebastian. He shrugged and felt a blush on his cheeks, he needed to distract the teenager in any way possible. Thinking fast, he plucked the bowl out of Ciel's hands and walked back to the kitchen side, grabbing more of each ingredient.

"What's the point in waisting this batter when we can just add more of the other things to compensate?" He said as happily as he could. He froze when he felt Ciel's presence next to him, curious like a little kitten.

With shaky hands, he went to pick up another egg, he hit it too hard and raw egg spilt all over the counter. "Shit." He muttered and grabbed some kitchen roll from the side before leaning over.

"Wait-" He heard Ciel call before a loud splat sounded, Sebastian looked up to see Ciel's face and jumper covered in cake batter. "You bastard!" He cursed and lunged for the flour, throwing it all over Sebastian's face.

"What was that for?" Sebastian spluttered, trying to get rid of the ingredient from his eyes and mouth, he coughed loudly into his top, getting more flour everywhere.

"The cookbook was under the bowl and you used it as a lever to catapult it into my face! That's what!" Ciel said louder, voice raising as he tried to get dollops of cake batter off of his face.

"You say like I did that on purpose," Sebastian grumbled, "I didn't realise, okay?" He yelped when some sugar was lobbed in his direction, his eyes narrowed and a smile played on his lips, "oh, you want this conversation to be done like that, eh?"

Ciel didn't have any time to react before flour was thrown at his own face, coating the wet batter and making a gooey mess on his face. He gasped and grabbed another handful of sugar, ready to throw it, "it isn't the book thing I'm mad at." He shouted as he threw a handful of the sweet mixture. "It was the fact that you broke the egg weirdly."

Sebastian ducked behind a counter and searched through the cupboards for some other food to throw at Ciel so he could win this food fight of theirs. "What's going on in here?" Came a booming voice, cutting through the banter the two were having.

Pam was standing at the door, a frown in tow. "Erm." Sebastian stuttered and stood up once more, noticing how Ciel shifted awkwardly in the background, as if he thought he could just evaporate on the spot.

Suddenly, the woman burst out laughing, which shocked the two teenagers who just stood there, "look at you two!" She laughed, "you look like deconstructed cakes."

Sebastian and Ciel looked at each other and struggled to keep straight faces at how ridiculous they both looked.

"Come on, let's get you two cleaned up."

•••

"Heh, erm... thank you," Sebastian said as happily as he could whilst having his person checked out by five or so women who could be his grandmother.

"Such a strong lad," one woman, Mary, added, "popular with the ladies, I presume." She nudged him with her elbow and he laughed awkwardly. Looking over at Ciel's expression, holding back a laugh at how Sebastian was fawned over, Sebastian let a real smile play on his lips.

"Something like that." He mumbled and the women giggled together, acting as youthful as they must have a good sixty years ago. Pam walked up behind Sebastian and tapped him on the shoulder.

"I haven't seen Ciel this happy before, you're making me jealous." She said quietly, words buzzing with enthusiasm. Sebastian turned to the woman and quirked an eyebrow.

"Do you know why Ciel is so quiet?" He asked, wanting to have asked that question for a long time, "I've never even been to his house and we've been friends since April."

The woman waved her hand dismissively, "it's nothing personal, dear. I think he's just a bit embarrassed about his whole situation." Before Sebastian could voice his confusion, the woman had shuffled out of earshot, towards an old man who was complaining about the lack of digestives.

Ciel and Sebastian made eye contact, the taller of the two looked apologetically at his smaller friend as he was told repeatedly about Graham's life story. Pam's head popped around the kitchen door and she beckoned the two teenagers to go towards her.

"Boys, could you wash up everyone's mugs? It would be a great help." Said boys nodded and quietly got to work, glad that they were away from the overzealous women and men.

Sebastian dunked his hands in the scorching water, hissing slightly before retracting his hands, red and tingling. Ciel placed down his tea towel and looked over the hands, "are you alright?" He murmured and leant over to turn the cold tap on.

"Yeah," Sebastian sighed, "I guess I forgot it was hot... I swear old people don't know the difference between warm and boiling water." He reprimanded since Pam had made up the bowl of water for him.

Once Ciel had deemed the water a perfect temperature, he moved out of the way, back to his post with the drying up, awaiting the first piece of crockery he would be handed. The way Ciel was acting was so relaxed, so gentle. Sebastian felt a longing burn inside of himself that he was constantly pushing away, banishing, extinguishing. Maybe it wasn't such a bad feeling, maybe he should allow it to consume him and use him.

"What was she saying to you?" The slate-haired male said to Sebastian, "Pam said something to you, right?"

"Oh... It was... it was nothing." Sebastian breathed, "she was just saying that she hadn't seen you so relaxed in a while." At the words, Ciel's shoulders tensed up and his head hung lower. Sebastian decided that he had said the wrong thing... again.

The older of the two let his fringe cover his deep blue eyes as he dried another mug, hands feeling weaker and cheeks feeling hotter than usual. He wasn't sure why he was so surprised or scared by the comment, it was true after all.

"Are you embarrassed about your house?" Sebastian suddenly vocalised and slammed his jaw shut immediately afterwards, knowing that he was making the situation worse.

"Where did you get that idea from?" Ciel asked hesitantly, placing a mug down a little too harshly.

"Erm, well Pam said that you were a bit embarrassed about your whole situation." Sebastian absently looked at the blank wall ahead of him, trying to find something interesting to catch his eye.

"I am." Ciel murmured, "but that doesn't mean my house embarrasses me." He added and decided to chance a look in his younger peer's direction. "Can I trust you?" He voiced and expected Sebastian to turn to face him. He didn't, expression unclear as he washed the dishes aimlessly.

"Of course." Sebastian mumbled, "I thought you knew that already."

Ciel sighed, "I do... just... I haven't told anyone this before." He threw his tea towel on the kitchen counter and leant on the plastic side, arms propping him up. "It's not something I was planning on telling anyone, really."

Sebastian finally turned around, giving in to his curiosity. He knew it was selfish, wanting to collect as many little things as he could about the boy that no one else knew.

The orange lights on the ceiling became Ciel's centre of attention as he stared up, thinking his words through. Laughs filtered through the door from the small library coffee room and Ciel swallowed, knowing that he could have been that happy if only his stupid parents hadn't been so ignorant.

"A birthday dinner." Ciel began and shifted on his feet so he could jump onto the counter. His black skinny jeans swung with his legs as his red converse barely touched the ground, "my parents had invited my aunt to dinner and she promised that she would be there at six."Ciel found a rhythm in the soft tap of his shoes against the plastic boxes behind him. "I had just turned ten, that day to be precise."

Sebastian stopped washing up, soap suds collecting around his pale wrists as he dried them off using the towel Ciel had discarded a few moments ago.

Ciel laughed reminiscently, "my mother wasn't a very good cook. My aunt said that she would help with the dinner but she didn't turn up... so... my mother decided to do it herself." He breathed heavily, "I really don't know what happened but I do remember my father running into my room with this look on his face like he had everything to lose." Ciel stopped swinging his legs and brought his hands in front of himself, "I should have run straight away and never looked back when he had told me to. He shoved the book he got me for my birthday in my hands and told me to run as fast as I could." Ciel mimicked being handed the book, "he wanted to save my mother."

"From what?" Sebastian asked, voice small.

"The fire," Ciel replied, just as quietly as the taller male had. "I did run, eventually. But not after ingraining that look on my father's face in my mind." He tapped his head as if the image would erupt onto the surface so Sebastian could witness the traumatic incident.

"Ciel..." Sebastian mumbled, "did your parents make it?"

"No," Ciel said with a shake of his head, before jumping off the counter and taking the tea towel from Sebastian's hands, returning to his post of drying up the crockery.


	5. Second on the right and straight on 'til morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos :)  
> Music:  
> Half the world away ~ Aurora

•••

"You kissed him?" Hans asked innocently, giddy with delight.

Sebastian frowned, "yes, but that isn't the important thing. Ciel doesn't have parents and he hasn't told anyone before." The little boy wrapped his arms around the teen's waist and buried his face in the cold jumper material that had just been chilled by the frost Sebastian had walked home in, with Ciel.

"Bas, I know that when he's upset, you're upset but don't forget that not all bad came from him telling you." Hans reminded his brother, "I'll bet that was his first ever kiss! You stole his first kiss, Bas! You should be super happy. In the library as well!"

_"Ciel...I... I'm so sorry." Sebastian murmured as he followed his friend's back. "If I had known..."_

_"It's fine." Ciel bit, "there's nothing you could have done. It wasn't anything to do with you." He added and opened the cupboard in which the mugs belonged._

_"Don't be like that." Sebastian chided and pushed himself off of the counter, "I would have helped. I would have been your friend, Ciel. I know what it's like."_

_"How could you possibly know?" Ciel asked and turned back around, "It's not the same as parents splitting up because there is no way of me... of me..." He hid his face away from the doting teenager._

_Sebastian stilled in his movements. He itched to reach out, to hold his little friend who was weak yet oh-so-strong, so he did. He curled his clothed arms around the older teenager and he felt his breath hitch. "Trust me, I do. Better than anyone else." He rested his chin on Ciel's head of hair, "my mother didn't break up with my father, she died when I was eight."_

_Ciel turned around in the hug and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What? I thought it was..."_

_"It was a lie." He mumbled, "I was just like you, I didn't want strangers to know- but at the same time... I had friends that I did tell, and you didn't." He gripped the black hoodie tighter and took to gently kneading it. "So you can trust me."_

_Ciel tilted his chin up, tear dripping from the corner of his eye. "Sebastian." He whispered, voice croaky and over-used. "please, stay with me."_

_Sebastian smiled down and slowly brought their lips together, his cool demeanour was a convincing facade since his heart beat quicker than he thought possible, surely it would just give out and die completely, just as his brain was. Shutting down a little bit more the closer they got._

_All he could think about was how soft Ciel's lips felt on his own, it may not have been the smoothest of kisses but it was perfect in Sebastian's eyes. Definitely._

"I guess I am a _bit_  happy," Sebastian admitted and let a small smile find itself on his chapped lips, the ones that had moulded with the most beautiful boy Sebastian thought existed, still warm from their hesitant touch.

"What's this?" A scratching voice called from behind Hans, the boy curled himself further into his older brother at the words, "You kissed a boy." The woman cackled her obvious disgust.

Sebastian gulped and moved the rust-eyed boy behind his lean frame, lifting his chin up as he spoke as clearly as he could, "What is it to you, Martha?" The woman moved closer, blonde hair swaying behind her long back.

"It's mother, you little fuck." She spat, "I'm fed up with you being so annoying," she drawled, "lazy, good for nothing piece of shit!" She yelled and kicked the small table that was placed by the front door, effectively moving the home phone out of place and jolting the two boys that stood helplessly in the corridor. "I knew that you were gay... you got that thing about you... stupid." She slurred.

_Drunk_. Sebastian concluded and turned to the small boy that stood behind him, keeling on one knee, "Hans, be a good boy and go to your room." the boy puffed out his cheeks and shook his head. "Why not?"

"Because she'll hurt you." The boy whimpered quietly and held onto the teen's jumper, kneading the cold out of it. Sebastian brought a soft hand to his cheek.

"Don't be silly. She doesn't hurt me." Sebastian leant into the boy's ear, trying his best to keep his resolve, "she's really weak so I can't feel a thing."

Hans sniffed, "that's not true, Bas, I hear you crying in your room." Sebastian pulled away and stood up.

"Go to your room." He said softly and moved the blonde haired boy's hand off of him.

"Bruder." The boy pleaded.

"Go to my room then," Sebastian said again and the boy sniffed as he walked off, down the dark hall and into the place he didn't want to be, but the place Sebastian knew he would be safest. He turned towards the woman, her eyes were droopy and her hair was greasy and clearly, she hadn't been sober for a while.

"That boy is gonna catch that... thing off of you if we're not careful." Martha began, glaring most harshly.

"It's not a disease," Sebastian growled.

The woman laughed spitefully and came even closer, "Are you sure?" Her blotchy face leaned into Sebastian's and she said her thoughts out loud, "That bruise on your cheek healed up nicely, didn't it?" She pressed a cold finger to his cheek before dragging it down harshly, "I think that bad boys deserve a lesson, don't you?" Sebastian stood still, not taking his eyes off of the woman. "Don't look at me like that." She chided before digging her acrylic nail into his skin, applying pressure. "It makes you look ever so ugly."

"You're a bitch." Sebastian hissed and she slapped him, she slapped him so hard that his head snapped to the side so that he was facing the blank walls. There were no pictures of him on them, he was the taboo of the family. The unwanted child, he was being punished because his mother had left the earth too soon. He wondered about the last time his father had ruffled his hair with his calloused hands or smiled in his direction. Sebastian knew that he looked like his mother and that it haunted his dad, it was almost funny to him that he was just as dead as his mother, a phantom that aimlessly glided through the halls of their unloving house.

Sebastian hated his stepmother, but he would never hit her back.

"You're weak." She laughed, "too weak to do anything." She shouted as another slap sounded, the noise echoing through the room.

Inside his bedroom, Hans was curled in his brother's duvet, crying into his pillows. He looked up when something flashed on his brother's television. Claude was online. He sniffed and crawled to the controller, opening up the messages as he had seen Sebastian do so many times before.

|Me| This is Hans call bas plese

A few moments later, Sebastian's phone began ringing and Hans picked up. 'Hans, is everything okay buddy?' Claude said comfortingly and the boy lost it, his cries rang through the room and Claude cooed him softly. 'Hey, hey, it's alright. Is it your Mummy?'

"Mhm." Hans sobbed, "she's hurting Bas because he kissed Ciel."

'Shit.' Claude cursed, 'I mean... I mean... don't repeat that word okay?' He said, growing more and more frantic. 'I'll be round in a minute to help Bas, alright. You just stay in your room like a good boy and everything will be fine.'

Hans agreed before hanging up and returning to his spot on the bed, trying to block out the shouts coming from the front of his dysfunctional house.

••• Monday 1st October •••

Ciel was worried for the first time in a while, worried about the dragging of a chair along the canteen floor. But a good kind of worried.

The butterflies that fluttered in his stomach prevented him from eating and his leg bounced in nervousness.

Ciel waited. He waited and waited and waited. He stayed sitting, even when the first bell rang, even when everyone began to filter out of the canteen. He stayed sitting in the cheap plastic chair, practically unmoving.

It wasn't until the second bell rang that Ciel's head lifted from its position and he furrowed his eyebrows.  _Maybe he's sick._ He considered.  _Yeah, that's it. We were out in the cold yesterday, it was bound to happen._

He swallowed the lie he told himself along with his Apple juice before he quietly made his way out of the almost empty room.

Claude sat on a bench outside, biding his time before they went to his fourth period. The little slate-haired male walked past, head hung low, obviously lost in thought.

Once he was out of earshot, Claude turned to his tall friend, "Bas, you need to talk to him." Sebastian looked down, "he's gonna get the wrong idea."

Sebastian shook his head, "I can't... if Martha found out..."

Cody clicked his tongue, leaning on one arm, sitting close to his friends, "how could she, we are at school, you idiot. Go and talk to him. We know how much you guys like each other."

"I'm not taking any chances, it isn't fair on Hans." Sebastian sighed as his foot crunched an autumn leaf, it's frame breaking under the strength his leather shoes held. "She will take him away, you know."

"And we don't want that any more than you do but the kitten is important too. He told you something right?" Sebastian nodded slowly, "about why he's so quiet and shy. He actually talks to me now, Bas."

Claude shifted in his place to better look at his friend.

"Yeah it's short and sweet but he's  _talking._ What if he is getting better because of you?" The teenager nudged his best friend, knocking him out of his balance for a split second. "Surely that would be a reason enough for you."

"I don't know." Sebastian shrugged, "I really don't know."

•••

"Sebastian." A voice called as the teenager walked back from school, he froze.  _No no no. Why?_ Sebastian thought to himself as he began to pick up his pace. A small hand grabbed onto his bag and was dragged back slightly.

Sebastian turned around, Ciel was looking adorable, red cheeks and wide eyes. There was a look of confusion written on his face, it made Sebastian want to turn away and run, just like his friend had on his tenth birthday. Away from the fire and away from him.

Immediately Sebastian felt sick, how many times had he heard people making fun of the quiet boy that seemed to be scared of everything? He had been such an idiot. This boy, this being was the epitome of perfection and innocence and his precious existence had been marred by bad decisions and people exactly like the taller teenager. It made Sebastian want to escape, jump into the world Ciel so desperately wanted to go to, to Neverland, with Ciel, where no one had to worry about growing up. He would take Hans too, let him follow them and not have to grow up in such a despicable situation.

Away from the past, away from Martha. To Neverland.

But Neverland didn't exist, and he didn't want to hurt Ciel but didn't want to hurt Hans either, Martha decided that picking Sebastian up from school was necessary. She now knew the name of who Sebastian liked and if she saw someone with Sebastian that she didn't know, she'd get suspicious.

"Why didn't you eat with me this lunchtime?" Ciel asked, frown staining his features. He was still holding onto Sebastian's bag and the teenager shrugged his hand off. Paranoia clawed deep in his gut, she could be watching, she could be planning to take Hans away. No, Ciel could be patient.

"Why do you expect me to?" Sebastian bit back, hating himself for the way he made Ciel flinch. Instead of making the boy back away like intended, Ciel's eyes softened and he brought a tiny hand to the teen's cheek.

"What happened to you?" He asked faintly, the cuts and bruises on his friend's face turning all shades of blue and purple.  _Like a flower_. Ciel mused, his contorted views of the male's injuries making him slightly concerned.

"Don't touch me like that." Sebastian spat bitterly, grasping the hand that seemed to be draining all his life force. The simplest touches brought him to his knees. Maybe he was weak. Suddenly he was aware of all the people walking past them, sniggering comments and staring. "It's weird."

Ciel stepped back, retracting his hand and removing it from Sebastian's strong grip. "O-okay." He mumbled, "sorry." He glanced down at the ground, a small stream had made itself know, flowing through cracks in the pavement, finishing at the drain were the droplets fell a great height. "Pam said that she has something for us when we get to the library in thanks for yesterday."

"I'm not going tonight," Sebastian said quickly.

"Oh... okay... that's alright. I'll bring whatever she gives us tomorrow." Ciel said softly but flinched when Sebastian shook his head and pushed past him.

"Don't bother." He said curtly before walking off and ignoring the boy who stood, dumbfounded and concerned.

Claude saw their whole interaction, cursing Sebastian when he was so quick to dismiss Ciel and he had almost interrupted them but Cody had scolded him for attempting to interfere. Once his best friend had left, Claude crossed the road hastily and called for Ciel.

"I'm sorry about Sebastian. He doesn't mean it." Claude explained but Ciel seemed to be ignoring him in favour of watching Sebastian walk off.

"It's alright, I know what's happening," Ciel mumbled and shoved his hands in his pockets and began to trudge down the road, he forced back the tears, not wanting them to be added to the stream that flowed next to him, they were travelling in opposite directions but ended up in the same place. The dark abyss that consumed the dirty water and the bitter child. The same child from five years ago, the same one that cried for his parents and allowed the fall to take him.

It hurt.

••• Friday 5th October•••

"I'm really happy with Sebastian's English work," the teacher began as they sat on the uncomfortable metal chairs in the main hall, "and we really want him to get that seven in the actual thing."

Martha nodded but it seemed to go in one ear and out of the other, "so what can he do to make sure he does?" She asked, folding her hands in her lap.

"Well, he has been reading a lot recently, which is great. You will definitely learn a thing or two if you carry on reading with Ciel." She hummed and smiled in Sebastian's direction. The boy felt like he had been dropped in a bucket of freezing water, he felt numb and did not miss the inquisitive look his stepmother gave him.

"Ciel?" The blonde woman asked, voice gaining in pitch. "I didn't know that you were friends with someone called Ciel."

"Oh, Ciel is a wonderful student and when I heard that they were friends, I just knew that they would benefit from each other, Ciel is in my form, you see." She crossed one tight-covered leg over another and leant on the desk with her elbows. "That's him there, now." The woman smiled and pointed to the short teenager who was wandering around with who Sebastian assumed were his foster parents.

"I thought Ciel was a girls name." Martha practically scoffed and Sebastian's fists clenched at his side, he had never felt so aggravated at a parent's evening before.

"No, no, Mrs Michaelis, Ciel is a lovely young boy. And I hear that he has been going to the library with Sebastian quite a lot, it really is amazing." She said fondly and Sebastian cringed.

Now he wasn't just freezing in water, he was burning alive. Everything he had hoped and pursued in the past few months was crumbling around him. Sebastian knew, he knew exactly what was going to happen in the moments he and his stepmother were alone.

_You'll never speak to him again._  Martha seemed to be saying,  _whether that be of your own volition or by moving to another school, you shall never speak to Ciel again. Not if you see him as more than a friend._

Martha was sick. She was the worst kind of sick. She thought she was doing the right thing.

•••Sunday 7th October•••

Blood dripped down from his nose as he wiped the wound with his sleeve. They both stood, panting in the corridor. "Stop." He mumbled, eyes lowering.

"Aww is little Bassy going to cry?" She chided, glancing from his messy hair to his trainer covered feet. "So," She began, pacing around the harmed teenager, "since when were you like... this?" She asked, stepping into his personal space so he was left without anywhere to run.

Sebastian didn't answer, he clothed his fear as nonchalance even though he knew that he could be read like a child's book. His emotions were never complex and they never had an implicit meaning. He wished he was more interesting, that he was worthy of another's company. All he could offer was kindness and he was running low on supplies.

"Leave me alone." He hissed, grabbing for the wound she had forced onto his shoulder, "you're a monster." She cackled, she laughed as if it was the most ironic thing the boy had ever said.

"Me? The monster? You have got to be kidding me." She breathed, mirth coated almost as thickly on her face as the makeup she wore. "I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to find the boy, 'Ciel' that has done this to you and get him out of your life."

"No! You can't do that." Sebastian pleaded, eyes pricking with unshed tears.

"Then I'll have to take the other approach. I guess I always figured I'd have to send you to boarding school, it was just something your father tried to avoid." She said smoothly as if she were singing a lullaby or as if she was being the kindest mother someone could possibly have. Her words were laced with poison though and she knew it.

Those green eyes bore into his soul and tore it apart piece by piece. He hated green eyes. "You wouldn't." He groaned, pushing himself off of the wall. "You wouldn't." He repeated, just that little bit less sure of himself.

She just blinked her mascara-soaked eyelashes at him, smiled and then proceeded to scream. A blood-curdling scream that ripped right through him. "You monster." She hissed as she dragged her sharpened nails down her own cheek.

"W-what are you doing?" Sebastian stuttered, stepping forward to stop her. She flinched and quivered, shuffling backwards.

"Help! Help!" She called, "someone!" She yelled as she shoved herself into the wall, her head hit with a horrid bang that made Sebastian freeze.

"Stop." He tried, voice going quiet and small, "stop it." He continued, stepping up to her and grabbing her arms, holding them at her sides with a force he had never applied to the woman before. "Why are you hurting yourself?"

"You crazy boy, you don't even realise what you're doing." She cried, fake tears dripping down her fake cheeks. Then he understood. Ah, he was really going to be sent away. But she couldn't make it look like it was because he liked a boy - no - that wasn't allowed anymore. "You're sick, Bas," She started, the teenager shook his head, tears pouring from his own rust eyes, "I'll get you the help you need, just... stop hurting me..."

Never before had he wanted to kill the woman more than in that moment.

••• Wednesday 10th October •••

Ciel shoved past the people that wandered down the corridors. He was feeling numb and alone and scared. Ciel knew how numb felt, he had been scared plenty of times but him feeling alone was foreign, and terrifying.

He stepped into his class and tried to look at Sebastian, the boy avoided eye contact and laughed loudly instead at some random joke that meant nothing to him.

It had stopped, the lunchtimes, the Tuesdays, the library visits, the talking. Pam had been asking after the teenager but all Ciel could do was shrug and run a shaky hand through his neglected hair.

When he sat down people whispered about how his face drooped, how small he looked now, how sad and reserved he had gone back to being. It didn't make Sebastian talk to him and he didn't even know why.

Sebastian felt lost, everything was a blur to him. The talks with the boarding schools and the 'support' he was suddenly getting. He knew why it was - Martha wanted him to be cured of something that wasn't hurting him or anyone.

Or maybe it was.

He had planned on grabbing Ciel and dragging themselves into a cupboard or toilet cubicle so he could explain everything but he wasn't stupid, the teachers had been warned about him.

He was lucky that he hadn't been kicked out of the school yet, he was on 'thin ice' apparently. He couldn't even hang out with Cody or Joe or even Claude after school and certainly not Ciel.

Sebastian hadn't ever been on a class report before. But as he glanced at the teacher, he knew what they were thinking. Being told that one of the best behaving students is dangerous must have been slightly concerning.

Maybe that's why her shoulders were hunched when they caught each other's eyes. He really wouldn't be surprised if they made an announcement in the middle of an assembly.

Apparently, Ciel Phantomhive was his prime target. Apparently, he had become obsessed with the boy.  
Apparently, Martha was being kind when she said would save Sebastian the embarrassment of telling Ciel the truth, even though it was just to prevent them from hearing Sebastian's side of the story.

His messages were checked, he was picked up and dropped off everywhere, he had been called dangerous by his idiot stepmother and social services had gobbled it up and demanded help. He was not ill, he was not wrong, he was not disgusting. He was gay, not crazy.

He carried on laughing, to hide away the cracks in his personality. But he knew that eventually it would crumble and he would have to face up to the truth. For now, however, he laughed.


	6. Time Is Never Planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavy chapter coming up - just warning you now
> 
> Music:  
> Riptide ~ Vance Joy

••• Monday 15th October •••

"What?" Sebastian asked, "but you said that I could get the seven." He whimpered and looked directly into his English teacher's eyes.

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I really am. I thought that you could as well, but there was a message from the head of this faculty that said you needed to move down a couple of sets." She sighed and flipped through his most recent - and most successful - exam. "I don't know what to tell you, it has baffled me just as much as you, trust me."

"Is there nothing I can do?" Sebastian questioned, feet tapping impatiently on the floor as he felt his stomach constrict, "Please, miss, I'll do anything, my English results are my best and if I'm even doing badly in this..."

"There is no saying that you can't get the seven, you'll just be in a slightly lower set, that's all." She mumbled, "it was odd though, the way they brought it up. To be honest, I was surprised when they made me choose."

"Choose?" Sebastian inquired and shifted on the bright blue, plastic chair, growing frantic.

"Yes, they said that you would have to move down and when I refused they said that Ciel would have to move down instead." She looked up guiltily, brown hair curling around her glasses, "I feel responsible for this, Sebastian. If it really means this much to you, I can always speak to Ciel."

"No, it's fine." Sebastian mumbled, "he is doing better than me anyway." He felt his eyes going glassy, tears pressing at his lids. "Is it okay if I go now?" He questioned and when she nodded, he left quickly.

He was silent until he came to a stop in front of Claude, tears too close for comfort, "Hey, Bas, are you alright?" He asked and when the boy shook and lowered his head, Claude gathered him in his arms. "What's up?"

"They're moving me down in English, Martha is the reason, I just know she is." He mumbled and pressed his closed eyes into Claude's jumper, "She really is going to send me away." He let his hair fall in Claude's face and the taller teenager didn't complain at all, "and I don't want to drag Ciel into my shit situation any more than I already have, he's going through enough on his own."

"Just speak to him." Claude murmured, "you know you have to."

"But I've left it so long, he probably hates me by now, especially after what Cody did... fuck." Sebastian sniffed, "it took me so long to be his friend, now I've fucked that up he won't ever be my Ciel again."

"It's gonna be alright, Bas. It has to be."

••• Monday 22nd October •••

'Hello, Mrs Dalles. I hope you are doing okay.' Ciel's foster mum said soothingly through the phone, 'I wanted to speak to you about Ciel.'

"Oh, hello Penny, how's Carl?" Angeline asked, shuffling through the paperwork she had been given by the hospital, there was too much to be done in too little time.

'He's fine.' She said simply, 'I do really need to talk about Ciel, though.'

Angeline sat higher in her chair, shoving the paper on her cluttered desk and she sighed, "is everything alright?" She already knew the answer, nothing was ever alright when it came to her nephew.

'Ciel has been refusing to eat much dinner, claiming that it was because he has been eating quite a bit at school.' She cleared her throat, holding onto her calm demeanor, 'but I was trying to figure out this new fingerprint system the school has, so I could put some money into his account... and... he hasn't bought anything from school in the past week.'

Angeline sighed, "Okay, thank you for letting me know, Penny. I'll speak to him."

'Good luck with that.' Penny said weakly, her tiredness obvious in the way she spoke. 'He has been talking even less than before. He was getting better, I know he was. He even went to the movies the other week, with other boys his age.' She paused, 'Angeline... I don't know if we can deal with it this time around, he's a lovely boy, trust me. But I don't think we have the proper skills to deal with him.'

Angeline nodded, "Yes, I understand. I'll see if I can visit soon. The hospital has been giving me plenty to do." Looking at the clock she huffed, "let me know if Ciel causes any problems."

'I doubt he will but if for some reason he does, you are the first number I will contact, I promise.'

"Thank you, Penny, wish Carl the best. Bye." Angeline said quickly.

'Yes, goodbye.' The woman replied and the phone hung up.

Angeline rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed, "What has happened to you, Ciel?" She let her gaze loom on the photo that sat in the far right corner on her desk. The little boy was all smiles, chubby cheeks smug with the fish he had caught from the river. Behind him stood Angeline's sister and her husband, looking as proud as could be. "I miss you." She whispered, not quite knowing to whom she was speaking.

••• Thursday 15th November•••

Ciel's head jolted him awake and he huffed, realising that he had been falling asleep. He tugged on the tie that constricted his neck and kicked his shoes off. His chair was pushed out underneath him as he stood up. As he walked past his mirror, he looked into his reflection, straight in his own puffy eyes. He let his gaze drift down the curve of his too-small nose, his thin, chapped lips and his longish hair.

It hurt to even look at himself, so he turned away and walked into the hallway. It was dark out, probably around midnight, so he had to be guided down the carpeted hallway by the moon which shone through the small window that lined the area.

The light pooled at his socked feet and Ciel shivered, it felt nice to not feel the burning sun on his skin for once, it mocked him. Every aspect of life did. He hated how he noticed the groups of laughing people when he walked out of school, alone. He hated that he craved to be invited to go and sit with various groups of people. He hated that he cared that he was not going out for evening trips to the cinema or someone else's house. He hated how lonely he felt, for the first time in his life.

He came to a stop in the kitchen and he looked around for something to drink, Ciel knew that he craved something more potent than water or tea. He needed something to numb the headaches that were clouding over his judgement, something that could offer the brief escape from the pain that living caused, something that would burn down his throat and stop his choked out murmurs, something to forcefully push him into sleep. Ciel needed alcohol.

One swig, two swigs, three. He couldn't stop himself, every time he took another gulp of the thick liquid, one more thought or memory flew from his mind. It was addictive. These little midnight sessions with the drug had been going on for a couple of weeks and the bitter taste didn't repel the boy as it used to.

Ciel didn't plan on getting caught, and the only volition he gathered when he did get caught was the hand grabbing his wrist and plucking him from the cold floor. Next, were the noises down the phone and the promise that Angela would be there the next day. Ciel didn't want to be caught.

••• Friday 16th November •••

Alcohol could dull the stabbing pain Ciel felt, yet at the same time, it made his mind choppy. He figured that it took away the knives from his stomach and proceeded to mess with his brain, serving some complex disaster on a silver plater.

That was why he had to bite his lip until it drew blood when he heard them talking. "Do you think he'll leave soon?" One girl whispered, "Oh for sure, they can find him better help elsewhere." Came the hushed reply. Ciel had become a scandal and he knew exactly why. "Maybe his parents dying really did mess him up."

Ciel clenched is fists and squared his jaw. "Imagine how you would feel if it happened to you." Someone else murmured, "I think that Cody did the right thing by telling the teachers. It'll make it so much easier." Someone replied, "they already knew, idiot."

"Stop!" Ciel yelled over the dull drone of the form time chatter, "Just shut the fuck up! You don't have a clue about any of this, you idiots." He found himself shouting, everyone looked, everyone stared and his shoulders came up, in fear.

One boy began laughing, and that was it. Ciel couldn't take it anymore so he ran, just like on his tenth birthday, just like he did from every problem he faced. He ran like the meagre little thing he was.

•••

Ciel's leg bounced up and down as he sat in the canteen, head buried in a book and salad left on his plate. Reading was the only thing that kept the taunting voices away but he knew that they were murmuring about him, he had become the talk of the school, ever since they had found out about his parents.

Cody. The sly son of a bitch that was more than happy to 'accidentally' spread what Sebastian had told him in confidence. Ciel knew that it was Sebastian he should be mad at, but even after everything he had done and caused him to feel, Ciel couldn't find it in him to hate the loveable teenager. So he hated himself instead. 

Ciel ducked his head in the hopes that Mally was not, in fact, walking to his lonely corner of the canteen. He knew for definite she was, however, when the book he was hiding in was plucked from his grip. A lipstick-coated grin met him and Ciel waited for the impact of the words to come.

"I heard that your parents died." She began, voice sweet like honey, "that's bad, I'm sorry." Ciel mumbled a faint thank you, "I also heard that you lost your v card to Michaelis, so that's interesting." The boy's head snapped up.

"What?" He mumbled, with a distinctive bite to the word.

"Yeah... so tell me, did you take it in turns, or were you always the bottom bitch?" She smirked, "Is he good? Does he make a lot of noise or is that your job?" She cackled.

"Stop." He mumbled, eyelids dropping.

"I'm just joking with ya, Phantomhive. Stop being so up tight. He's hot, i'll give you that." She gushed, leaning onto the tale behind her, getting her grubby hands all over Ciel's work. "Nah, I'm almost positive that you'd be the one crying;  _Sebastian! Sebastian_!" She taunted, " _Oh have mercy on my soul, you beast_." The laugh she shrieked made Ciel cringe.

"That never happened," he growled, "stop talking."

"Oh come on. From one bitch to another. Why did you two stop hanging out?" She quizzed, Ciel's fists were drawn up tight as he stared blankly at her horrific mess of a face. "I bet you messed up, that's why he's left you, isn't it? Oh well. At least it gives us proper ladies a chance, no offence but I doubt that Sebastian could actually be... you know... like you."

There was a pause in time when Ciel didn't know what to do, all the anger he felt was building up to this moment, bursting at the seams, and who was Ciel to stop it? Maybe Sebastian would notice, he was over at another table, it would be so easy...

The sound of the punch resounded in the canteen as everybody stared. Mally screamed and let herself fall to the floor.

Sebastian's face dropped as he saw Ciel punch the girl from the other side of the room. He ran to the scene where Ciel was being detained by a teacher.

"Let go of me!" Ciel seethed. "Stop it! She deserves it!"

Sebastian swallowed and moved so he was in front of Ciel. "What did you do that for?" He growled. People told him to move away but he silenced them with a hand and bent down so he was face to face with the blue-eyed boy.

Ciel stopped his squirming and hung low, "now you talk to me." He mumbled before he was dragged off by the teacher, leaving gossiping students and a bewildered Sebastian. Feeling more guilty than ever.

Ciel was taken to the head teachers office and shoved into a seat by a nameless man. He sat silently and didn't move. Didn't accept the ice pack for his hand or the water for his dry throat.

The headteacher flipped through his file and looked apologetically at the boy. "You've always been a quiet boy, Ciel." He began. "Intelligent and hard working, I heard about you winning the chess tournament last year." Ciel stayed silent, staring at the clock above the man's head. "You've also had a tough family life, which I am very sorry for." The man stood up and paced around the office dramatically. "But no matter how good a student you are or how difficult things have been, you still punched another student. Would you care to tell me why?"

Ciel swallowed, "She was being horrible about my friend." He dug his fingernails into his hand, "I told her to stop but she didn't listen."

"Is this a case of bullying then?" The man asked seriously and Ciel shook his head.

"Sebastian wouldn't call it bullying." He mumbled. The teacher raised an eyebrow.

"Sebastian Michaelis, eh? I didn't know you were friends." The man sighed, "he's a good student too, very extroverted if I remember rightly. I'm happy to hear he's taken you under his wing."

"I... don't know if we're friends anymore though." Ciel mumbled, "he spoke to me when I was taken away but that was the first time he had spoken to me in a month."

"Did you two have a fight?" The man asked and Ciel shook his head.

"No, everything was... great," Ciel admitted and his head hung lower, his nails dug deeper and the rain that hit the glass outside wailed louder.

"I like you, Ciel." The teacher began, "I do however need to punish you for your actions." He sat down again and crossed one lean leg over the other. "Exclusion for three days should be enough, starting next Monday, as long as you promise to never do anything like this again."

Ciel nodded numbly, "thank you, sir." He mumbled. "I appreciate it."

•••

Walking back through the canteen felt like a sick joke pushed onto him by those that hated him. His bag lay by the chair, school books scattered everywhere, he got onto his knees and shuffled through the mess that surrounded him.

Sebastian tiptoed towards the teenager, he felt small muscles tense when he placed his hand on the slight shoulder of the one he cared so much for, yet had hurt the most, "Ciel-" He began but was met with a glare.

"Don't," Ciel whimpered and rubbed his eyes with his sleeve, "you'll make me feel things I don't understand again." Everyone was silent in the room, every pair of eyes lurked in their direction and Sebastian didn't know what to say, what to do.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, as Ciel placed his bag on his back and made his way out. He looked over helplessly at his friends, who beckoned him over. He didn't want to speak to them though, not really. The one person he needed to see had just left, little head of hair being softly mussed by the cold autumn air.

•••

It had been a whole month, Ciel mused as he sat on his bed. Sebastian had spoken to him, finally. Being sent home was definitely not the worst thing that could have happened.

Ciel was thinner, he knew he was because of the reflection that stared back him when he had slipped his school trousers on earlier that day. They were baggy, even when he put on the belt that he had cut extra holes in, they still had hung low on his slender hips. He hoped that by not buying anything to eat he would be able to catch Sebastian's attention, that the teen would notice his malnourished cheeks or how his ribcage was practically on display in the changing rooms or maybe the fact he almost passed out in football due to the lack of food. He didn't.

He was tired as well, mind clouded with thoughts about Sebastian. Last Wednesday, they had made eye contact and Sebastian looked guilty. How could Ciel sleep when he was trying to figure that out? What else was worthy enough of his time? Nothing.

Maybe Sebastian didn't think he was pretty enough. Ciel tried to look his smartest, to walk in a way that would make it obvious to his taller peer that he was there. Talking to anyone else didn't matter, who cares what they think of him? They didn't have what Sebastian had, the personality, the looks, the smile...

The nagging sensation in the pit of his stomach didn't leave him, he could rely on that to stay. What had he done? What had he said? What had caused Sebastian to hate him so?

**_* Trigger warning *_ **

Maybe if he drew blood, maybe if he fell down the stairs, or got beaten up. Maybe then Sebastian would notice him again. If he pushed himself just a little bit further... with that thought in mind, Ciel shuffled through his pencil case until he produced his sharpener, he grabbed a pair of scissors as well.

He slipped into the bathroom and shoved a towel in the way, which would prevent anyone from entering. He tested the door, just to be sure.

Next, he unscrewed the nails that kept the sharpener together using the scissors and sighed in relief when it collapsed, just like he was so close to doing. The adrenaline ran through his mind as he inspected the blade, it was sharp and he hoped that it wouldn't hurt much.

He finally understood why people did this. For obsession. For love. For greed and envy. He knew it was an excuse so he could talk to Sebastian, confide in him.

Penny opened the front door with a smile as fake as the flowers that sat in the plant pot by the welcome mat. Angeline walked in slowly, searching for any sign of Ciel's presence. "Where's Ciel?" She asked.

Penny looked behind herself before sighing, "oh he's in his room, probably sulking or something." She waved off the concern that Angeline held in her voice.

"Do you mind if I go upstairs?" The woman asked and Penny nodded.

"I'll make us a cup of tea. Ask Ciel if he wants one." The brown-haired woman added as she wandered down the halls.

Ann made her way up to Ciel's room and she knocked on the door. There was no reply and she frowned, "Ciel?" She called and waited.

When there was still no response she opened the door open a crack, the room was cold as she walked in. Light pouring through the massive window that stood proudly at the opposite end, fully open. A mug of tea sat aimlessly by the glass and a small patch of condensation had formed around it.

Looking around she realised that he must have gone to the toilet. Something caught her eye though. A small black leather book sat open on his bed. Curiosity got the better of the woman and she took a look inside.

Her face fell at the words.

_I might try something different today. Maybe if I hurt myself I will gain the right to be noticed. Not eating hasn't worked and I'm running out of options. Punching Mally seemed to get his attention but I need to do more._

Her head snapped to the doorway as a crash came from the bathroom. She raced out of her nephew's room and knocked on the door.

"Ciel! Is everything okay in there?" She called but once again she received no reply.

The doorknob was turned but the door seemed jammed. "Go away." A voice hissed. "Leave me the fuck alone."

"Ciel. Open the door." The woman stated and continually tried to push the door. The sound of clicking metal sounded and she wasn't sure if it was from the door handle or something else.

She dropped to her knees and began fiddling with the material that had blocked her entrance, "Penny!" She shouted, "please come and help."

A growl was heard from the bathroom. "Why the hell are you getting her?" Ciel yelled, "what's she gonna..." there was a pause before violent wheezing sounds could be heard.

"Ciel, please honey, let me in. I want to help you." She pleaded and felt the tears well up in her eyes. She shook her head violently, regaining her composure.

The towel finally gave way and she leapt up, slamming the door open and trying to see what her stupid nephew had done.

She gagged, turning away for a second and covering her mouth. She was a surgeon and even she was disturbed by the sheer amount of blood that coated the bathroom.

Ciel stood above the sink. Crimson coloured arms shaking and leaning on the sides of the originally white porcelain appliance. One hand was tight-fisted, a stream of blood pouring down and making the most disturbing dripping sound she had ever heard.

Ciel's head hung low, his tears joining the basin. "He's got to like me now." He mumbled, not making much sense to the panicked woman.

She was frozen on the spot, mind blank as she didn't register the footsteps that seemed to be running up the stairs.

The boy looked up, "why won't he love me, Aunt?"


	7. To Die Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music:  
> Lost Boy ~ Ruth B

•••

Penny gasped when she entered the room and made a beeline towards her adopted son. "Ciel Phantomhive, What have you done?" She cried and grabbed his arm, turning it around and noting the cuts he had inflicted on himself.

"Don't touch me!" Ciel screeched and slapped her. The woman stumbled back, a large splattering of blood coating her pretty face.

"Ciel." Angeline warned, lip quivering, "Don't move. I'm going to get you some help." She wasn't dealing with her nephew anymore, no, this was a wild animal. She turned to Penny, "go downstairs and call the centre. They'll know what to do." She said calmly and the woman nodded before rushing out, looking close to tears.

Ciel trembled on the other side of the bathroom, blood still pouring from him. He squeezed his eyes shut and sobbed.

He backed into the wall and slid down, throwing his blade across the room and pulling his hair, hissing in pain as he did so. "Can you tell him?" He asked. "Can you tell Sebastian I did this, for him?"

"Who's Sebastian? Is he a bully? Did he make you do this?" She questioned and knelt on the floor next to him.

"No." He mumbled, "He is the only person I care about. Tell him, Aunt. I want to speak to him again. Make him talk to me." He continued, growing more and more hysterical. "He's supposed to be mine!" He cried and Angeline froze on the spot.

"Shhh, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna take you down to the centre and get you some help, okay honey?" Ciel shook his head frantically.

"No, I need to see Sebastian. Before the blood dries." Ciel stuttered, grasping onto his cut arms and letting his head hit the wall behind him. "How am I supposed to prove that I did all of this if there isn't any evidence?"

"Ciel, stop this, you're scaring me." Angeline cried and slowly crawled forward. "We need to stop the bleeding or you might end up getting hurt." She warned and retracted her soothing hand when Ciel jolted violently.

"Hurt?" He laughed, "Hurt?" He brought his shaky hands up, "I've been hurting for five years now! All you do is complain and threaten me with stupid programmes that you want me to go on!" His tears were in a free fall, landing on his shirt and knees and bloody arms. "My parents are dead, my only friend doesn't like me and I'm about to be shipped off to some shitty rehab for people no one gives a fuck about!"

"That isn't the truth and you know it." Angeline shouted, "this is as difficult for me as this is for you. I've tried, I've really tried, Ciel." She shook her head, "but you continue to act like like you are above everyone. If you're so high and mighty,  _nephew_ , why don't you start taking your own advice and do something for someone else for once."

Ciel glared. He gathered all the hatred he had hidden within his small, worthless body and he focused it on his aunt. "Maybe I should have just died in that fire with my parents. I seem to be worth as much alive as they are dead." He muttered before attempting to stand up, wincing as he did so.

Angeline gulped, "no... I'm sorry, Ciel. I do care about you."

Ciel lifted a wet arm, "Just... stop." He muttered, letting the arm slump at his side as he hobbled into his bedroom.

"Where are you going?" Angeline croaked, still on the floor surrounded by her nephew's blood. "You can't leave."

"Watch me." He stated and slammed the door behind himself.

•••

Sebastian exhaled, he had managed to find his way to Ciel's house. He had remembered the way, there was no way he could forget. The perfect little house that harboured so much pain and loss. And Sebastian had made it worse.

Standing outside Ciel's house had been the first time he had stopped, having the thought of apologising to the boy ever since he had spoken those broken words in the canteen. Once the final bell of the day had sounded, Sebastian hadn't stopped running. Claude had called for him but he didn't care. Martha would probably start searching but that didn't matter one bit. He wanted to find Ciel. He  _needed_  to find Ciel.

Before he could knock on the door, it swung open and he was greeted with a very frantic looking woman. His fist was still poised, anticipating contact with the deep blue door. The woman frowned. "Who are you?"

Sebastian cleared his throat awkwardly, "Erm, I'm Sebastian. Ciel's friend." He shifted from one foot to the other, "I wondered if I could see him... because he got excluded today and everything..."

"He's just gone." She mumbled, looking past his shoulder, "sorry, what did you say your name was."

"Sebastian." He said a little clearer, slightly annoyed that the woman wasn't paying any attention to him. Couldn't she see that this was important? Her gaze was cast down and rust met ruby.

"Sebastian?" She asked, "like Ciel's friend who he thinks isn't his friend Sebastian?" The teenager nodded his head warily. "He's made a huge mistake. And I think you're the cause." She said slowly.

"What did he do?" Sebastian asked cautiously, "is he okay?"

"No." She muttered, "he just left with two full arms of self-inflicted cuts and apparently, he did it for one person. Would you like to guess who that person is?"

Sebastian shook his head, backing away. "no." He stated, "why would he do that? We were just, I had to..."

"He said it was for you." The woman stated stoically, the fire gone from her irises. "Apparently you're the only person he cares about. Not even his own aunt matters as much as you." She muttered. "He needs to be treated before the wounds get too bad, which is the important thing."

"Where is he now?" Sebastian questioned impatiently, itching to see the boy.

"I don't know." She shrugged, "ran out in a sulk." She looked at him quizzically, "I'd say that you'd have the best idea."

Sebastian thought for a moment before one location came to his head. He had to be there.

Ciel stumbled into the library, mind light from the loss of blood and the thoughts that coagulated  it. He liked not having full control of his brain, it was the first step to freedom. Eternal freedom. But he couldn't just leave, oh no. In every movie, there was someone who stopped the plane or caught the train or even chased after the person they cared about.

Ciel would be lying if he said that he wasn't hoping Sebastian would come running in, screaming apologies. Why would he though? Ciel meant nothing to him, and the small teenager didn't even know why.

The jumper he had thrown on wasn't working very well, it made the cuts itch and he could feel the platelets knitting his flesh to the cotton. There was only one person he needed to say goodbye to before he could drift off with the cotton clouds that filled his head. "Pam." He rasped.

The woman turned around smile in tow, "oh, Ciel, my dear. What brings you here? I thought that you didn't come on Fridays."

"Pam, I need to give you something." He said hurriedly, "and I don't have long." He fumbled around in his pocket until he produced a picture, "here's the photo that you got Michael to take of us at the village fair when I was ten." He passed it onto her and fought to keep his composure, "thank you for looking after me, Pam. You've been such a wonderful person and I don't think that I could have kept going on for as long as I have if you weren't there for me."

"Where has this come from?" She chuckled as she awed at the picture, she raised a silver eyebrow in accusation, "you aren't quitting your job now, are you?"

"No," he said softly, "I could never quit here, I'll just be on a break is all."

She sighed, "well all right then, dear. You know you're always welcome here."

Ciel waved, trying not to wince at the feeling of the jumper ripping his skin even more, "I know. Goodbye Pam, look after yourself."

"I'll see you around, Ciel." She called as she pocketed the picture and walked off.

Ciel swallowed his tears as he walked out, accidentally bumping into someone as he did so, he mumbled a half-assed apology, realising that those might be the last words he says to another human. The man, whoever he was, completely ignored Ciel and carried on walking inside.

When Sebastian got into the library, he immediately looked around. Searching the little corners where kids could read books, all the way to the small coffee room which was currently filled with empty boxes.

After searching for a few minutes and coming back empty-handed, he decided that he would ask for some help. Pamela noticed him before he noticed her and she laughed heartily, "my, what did I do to deserve so much company today? I haven't seen you for a while, Sebastian, how is Hans?"

"Hello Pam," He said quickly, "I was actually looking for Ciel if that's okay."

"He just left." Sebastian huffed, fed up with being given the same answer, "what is it you need?"

"I need to apologise. I think he's going to do something stupid and now I don't know where he has gone." He looked out of the glass door before turning back to the oblivious woman. "Did he tell you where he went?"

"No." She began, "but he did tell me he was going." She admitted, pulling the picture out again, "he gave me this and did this speech about how I helped him, it was extremely cute. Then he told me that he was taking a break and left." Pam sighed, "youngsters these days, eh?"

"A break?" Sebastian asked, voice shaking slightly. "I... have to go." He added before turning to leave, shoving his hood on his head and hands in his pockets. Hoping to dear God that what he was suspecting wasn't true.

"Oh, bye dear!" Pam called as the teenager walked out, she tutted and went back to placing returned books on the shelves, as she had for the past thirty years.

•••

"You dummkopf, you trottel, If you dare do what I think you're doing, I'm gonna... ugh," Sebastian muttered to himself as he pushed through the undergrowth, the weeds clinging to him like guilt and the leaves catching his hair.

He hissed when holly scraped against his now bare arms. The coat he was wearing had been draped over his forearm as it had just gotten too suffocating in the confines of the heavy material.

"Ciel!" He shouted, "Ciel, where are you?!" Nothing was said back and Sebastian got quicker, feet moving faster than his brain could handle. His foggy mind missed the branch that hung low and he yelped when he tripped, hands coming out in front of him and coat catching on a bush.

He cursed when he hit the floor before groaning. "You better be here Ciel or this'll be all for nothing." He grumbled as his arms spread in front of him.

Getting up jaggedly, he sighed when his coat was lifted up, revealing a huge gash down the back of his moderately expensive item of clothing. The little stream could be seen from where he was standing so he knew he was close. Just a little further and he would be able to see Ciel again, and hold him. Maybe he would even be allowed to kiss him.

The thought spurred Sebastian on even more. He wasn't going to be so stupid this time.  
  
  


It was like a game of truth or dare. Ciel could admit the problems he was facing and be put through years of counselling and pity. People would fawn over him, he would inevitably be sent to an institution where he would continue to be alone, the shell of the child he was and nothing but a waste of space as an adult.

Or he could be dared.

Dared to jump, dared to fall. He squirmed even thinking about it, it excited him in the most twisted way and he couldn't help but fall in love with the idea. Fall. He had fallen once before and where he laid scraped and cut and bruised at the feet of the one he had fallen for, they had turned away. He had turned away. Sebastian turned away.  
  
  


The trees grew thicker and thicker as Sebastian trecked on, shreds of his coat in hand and speech he was going to make in his mind. It reeled with questions, why had Ciel done what he had? Did he really do it for Sebastian? The teenager had hurt him before and it had never been intentionally.

Ciel was always getting hurt because of him, that's why Sebastian left. Not just for himself and for Hans but for the person he wanted to pursue and keep for himself, the first person Sebastian had actually wanted to be with forever and ever.

He thought back to the words they had shared, every conversation seemed to be important, something that needed to be cherished. Only now did he realise why Ciel loved those French words so much and how they could hurt so badly. Pour Toujours, French for forever. He wanted Ciel for forever.

They could actually escape and run to this wonderland, this Neverland. Fill it with their hopes and dreams, damn the consequences. If only Ciel would wait a little longer for him, let him make it up to the perfect human with bluish hair and captivating eyes, with a smile that could melt the coldest of hearts and a laugh that would drag any sinner to their knees. He could do it. He would prove he deserved to share his life and heart with Ciel.

All he had planned came crashing down on him when he parted the last layer of shrubbery and saw the one person he wanted standing there, on top of that building. He was looking up at the sky aimlessly and Sebastian considered shouting for him, yelling out pleas and begging for forgiveness. Alas, he knew that it would not be wise. He would need to speak to Ciel in person. He was no tragic hero or some brave lover, he was Sebastian Michaelis, obsessed with video games, cats and rainy days. Afraid of the dark and heights, the unknown and now that he would lose Ciel forever, "No." He rasped and began running, run, run, run. Sebastian to Ciel as Ciel had to his parents.

He shook his head as he ran, tears falling. No, this would not end the same way as it had before. He couldn't bear it.  
  
  


Ciel walked to the edge and looked down, the blood rushing from his head and the air from his lungs. He could do this. He could actually do this. Maybe Sebastian would be sad. The teen craved that, the recognition from the male. He could even cry... Would he be at the funeral? Would he visit his grave? Would he swear to never fall for anyone else?

The hollow boy opened his bag up, wincing as the cuts reopened. He paused before ripping the confining jumper off of his tiny body. Ciel pulled out the book his parents had given him. Flipping through the pages for a place to write his name, to carve into the wood that he had lived and he had died as dolefully as his predecessors. One long game of truth or dare.

He searched through his book, noticing certain lines that were circled and noted.  _Going away means forgetting, when you leave this world behind, the dreams you have really can come true, you mean more to me than anything in this whole world... to die would be an awfully big adventure..._ That was it. Ciel's final message to anyone that read it.  
  
  


Sebastian slammed the door open, attempting to make as much noise as possible, he called for the boy until his throat hurt. He searched blindly for the stairs, not bothering to retrieve his phone.

He growled in annoyance when he couldn't find the door handle to the stairs. "Ciel I swear to god, don't do it!" He cried, "don't jump! I want you to stay with me." He sobbed as he hit a wall and slid down, back hitting something hard as he did so.

His eyes snapped open and he turned around with so much force he almost fell back down again, he grabbed the handle as if it held his last shreds of sanity and he yanked the door open. 

Ciel pulled out a red pen, deep crimson, like the blood on his arms, the leaves that swirled in the breeze, just like...  _Sebastian's eyes,_ his heart ached when he thought about the teenager. In the neatest handwriting he could manage whilst standing and shaking he wrote:  
_If there is one thing I am sorry for, it is not having a son to pass this on to._  
_I have come to realise that this book is a curse, trapped in writing and a frayed green cover. Whether it's a murder or a suicide, the Phantomhives have died the way they lived. Tragically._  
_Ciel._

Ciel frowned as he looked at the yellowing pages. There was one last thing he needed to write. Scribbling it down frantically he bit his bottom lip.   
  
  


Sebastian cursed continually as he ran up the stairs, almost tripping a few times as he stumbled on uneven steps, even if there had been a decent light source it wouldn't have mattered. He was blind. Blinded by tears, guilt, grief and the empty feeling that he was too late.

If only he hadn't been so intrigued by the boy, they could have co-existed quite peacefully, but no. He had to be selfish and take Ciel's chance at a decent life, boring yes but free from the pain he was causing. "Come on Ciel, just wait one more minute, I'll be with you soon."  
  
  
  


Once Ciel was done, the book was placed beside him, a perfect suicide note. He stepped onto the ledge even further than before. Ciel came to the harsh realisation, that he would be gone forever...

Forever is an awfully long time.

"Pour Toujours," he whispered and let all the pain he had been harbouring go, caught on the autumn wind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> German:  
> Trottel - Fool  
> Dummkopf - Idiot


	8. A Day Older

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: Far From Home ~ Sam Tinnesz

•••Friday 16th November•••

"I have always found that life throws curve balls in order to test whether or not you are worthy of happiness. It is in those situations we find out how selfish we truly are." The group of teenagers listened intently, following every word he spoke, "and no matter how old or how wise you are, there will be times which you doubt yourself... and that's okay."

There was a pause as he thought over his next words, even though he had recited them so many times, "when I was in school, things weren't great. My mother had passed away, my father was almost non-existent and I found that I was given the role of caring for my half-brother. I had a lot of friends though, and I was happy." His shoes clicked softly as he tapped the toe of his shoe on the stage, "I met a boy. Well, I had known him for many years, but the first time I actually met him was in the school canteen, for a silly dare mind you. It was April, I can't remember for the life of me what day it was, I had asked for his salad, and he gave it to me." He laughed lightly and put his hands together behind his back, sweat gathering on them.

"The boy was quiet, he was sad, and he didn't really have friends. He loved his books and kept them close at all times- they offered a safe haven from his hectic life and a way to get out of situations he wasn't fond of." He breathed through his mouth and squinted at the lights shining on the tall ceiling, "I had the honour of becoming his first friend, I was chuffed." A small cough came from one of the students and he pressed on, "He was smart, very snarky and understanding. When you were with him you felt safe and comforted, even though his personality was anything but warm."

The man let his gaze drift over every individual that sat in the hall as he tried to hold his composure, "Ciel committed suicide in mid-November."

_Sebastian's face fell as he stepped out onto the roof, it was as if he was in Ciel's place, falling from the building. But he wasn't, he was standing, helplessly reaching out for someone that couldn't ever hold him again._

_Their eyes caught each other as Ciel allowed himself to step off of the building, he seemed to be saying something but the words died on the wind. Sebastian screamed, he screamed until his throat was sore and then he screamed even more._

_He ran to the edge of the building and stared down, leaves had unsettled themselves and made a nest for the most devastatingly twisted sight Sebastian had ever seen. There, in the soil lay Ciel Phantomhive, dead._

"And although I have been told it was nothing to do with me, I still blame myself. Ciel was lonely and vulnerable and I don't think that I have lived through a day without a thought of him popping into my head."

_He was numb as he fumbled in the three numbers, nine, nine, nine... He kept telling himself that Ciel would be okay, that he was just playing around and he would sit up, flawless grin planted on his face._

_Sebastian raced down the stairs, shouting through the phone, begging for help. He was told to calm down, how could he?_

_He flew out of the tower, tears ripping their way down his face. He came to the body, the pale, scarred body. Sebastian didn't even realise he was on the floor until he felt his knees going wet. He bit his lip and raised the fragile boy into his arms._

_Sebastian cried harder when he felt the little thing's heart flutter beneath his hand. He sobbed and pressed his body closer. "Come on," he whimpered, "Ciel, please, wait just a few more minutes... please."_

_"Se-bastian." Ciel coughed out, tears of his own dripping down his cheeks, "you came."_

_Sebastian shook his head and pushed his face into his friend's shirt. "Stop it, of course, I came. I said I wouldn't go away." He continued, "why the f-fuck would you do this?" He questioned, grip tightening on the boy._

_"I'm ill, Sebastian. I always have been. I... I almost felt normal for a while back there." He laughed out, "but this was going to happen eventually. They were going to send me to rehab anyway, I don't want that."_

_"They were going to send me to boarding school," Sebastian replied, "because my step mum found out about us."_

_"Ah, I thought you just hated me." Ciel smiled, shoulders relaxing the smallest bit._

_"No, no, I could never..." Sebastian cried. A small, meek hand came up to the hysterical boy's cheek before he was pulled into a kiss. Sebastian whimpered into it, he could practically feel Ciel's life force being dragged out of his body by their action. So he cried harder._

_Ciel pressed their foreheads together and smiled again, the same smile Sebastian was obsessed with. "Sebastian... I have to go now." Ciel explained carefully, his back had gone numb and his vision was fading. He felt strangely at peace, Sebastian didn't hate him._

_Sebastian mumbled 'no' repeatedly but his wish fell on deaf ears. Ciel leant up to his ear and whispered. It broke the black-haired student. It tore him up inside._

_When Sebastian pulled away from the boy, Ciel's eyes had gone dull, no longer those same deep, blue, captivating orbs he knew. His little body went limp and Sebastian yelled at every god he could think of and cursed everything he had ever known, he shouted at every good deed he had done and begged for Ciel to come back._

Everyone surrounding him seemed to be coated in the thick fog of loss and pity, he had seen the look so many times, "and for a while, I considered doing the same as my little friend had done. It seemed so easy. But I didn't." He fiddled with the hem of his trousers as he continued, "I knew I had to carry on for him, because... he was my friend. He meant so much to me and I just know that if I had followed him down from the top of that building, he would have been so angry." Sebastian smiled fondly, "he always wanted to give more than he could handle, and that was his problem, everyone expected so much from the model student and he didn't know how to keep up."

He felt tears pressing on his lids and he gulped, "there were so many things I could have done, I should have done to prevent my friend from dying. My mistake was leaving Ciel alone, I was stupid and tried to sidestep around everything to avoid confrontation. But... _you_  can help someone you know. Whether they are your closest friend or someone you only see in the corridors, everyone needs someone to help them through life and pick them up when they feel down. It is all Ciel needed and I didn't give it to him."

_The funeral was a small affair, a few family members, a few friends. Most people didn't feel that they had the right to cry, some hadn't seen the boy for years, others hardly knew him. Claude held Sebastian the whole way through and Hans kept hold of Pam's hand during the service._

_The woman couldn't help but find comfort in the hope that Ciel would be proud of himself, in the past six months he had made friends and brought people together. And although she blamed herself for not preventing him from leaving, she knew, from a long and difficult life, that everything happens for a reason._

_Ciel was probably happier wherever he was now than on earth. "You've really managed to make a mess of things." She laughed as she stepped past his coffin at the end of the service. Hans squeezed her hand and she looked down, sweet smile on her face._

_"Ciel's fine." The boy said, "Bas said that if we worry too much about him he'll come and haunt us... although, I don't think I'd mind him haunting us."_

_The woman laughed again, "I don't think I would mind either."_

"He would be laughing at me right now, I can see it, his smug face as he sits with his parents and dog, all the writers he has read books from surrounding him. And I know that by spreading his message, he will feel like he has done more than either of us ever could." He placed a hand in his front pocket and sighed, the familiar edges of the old paper touching his fingers, "my name is Sebastian Michaelis and I lost my best friend in a way I hope none of you ever have to understand because the pain it brings about is probably worse than death itself... Ironic, don't you think?"

•••

"It's so weird, to think that it has been so long." Claude sighed as they trecked through the woods.

"Yeah." Sebastian mumbled and lifted a branch from his path, "it's a lot smaller than I remember," he added when a holly leaf jabbed into his cheek, the November air was thick with nostalgia as the pair scrambled through the undergrowth.

"I mean, it has been five years," Claude pointed out as they came to the clearing. "Are you okay?" He asked his tight-lipped friend and Sebastian nodded, even though they were clearly both hesitant to move forward. The taller of the two offered a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder as they came closer.

_"Do you ever just wonder what it would be like falling from a high building?" Ciel suddenly mumbled, turning away from the beautiful view and onto an equally beautiful teenager, "I just think that it would be an amazing way to die."_

_"You're strange." Sebastian laughed before looking down and frowning, "it would be scary and you'd have to be brave."_

The stone building stood tall, curling into the setting sun. By the circular wall stood a small slab, engraved with the most bittersweet thing Sebastian had ever bared witness to;

   _In loving memory of_ _Ciel Phantomhive_  
_Died 16th November, aged 15_  
_May your trip to Neverland be a safe one,_  
_filled with everything you've ever wanted._

"I miss him." Sebastian murmured softly, the sound almost lost in the secluded area, the hand on his shoulder moved to his back and drew soothing circles through the heavy coat he was wearing.

"I know you do. I even miss him, the little Kätzchen had definitely grown on me." Claude hummed and stepped in closer, placing his bouquet of flowers down on the icy soil, "but he wouldn't want you to dwell on the past, you said that yourself." Claude stated.

_"Are you not brave?" Ciel queried and Sebastian shook his head sheepishly, smiling contagiously._

_"Not as brave as you. Not by a long shot." He hummed, "would you actually though? Would you actually jump?"_

_"Sure." Ciel sighed, "if I wanted to."_

_"...you don't want to though, right?" Sebastian said, concerned and Ciel laughed again, shaking his head. "Good. Because that would be really... sad."_

Sebastian kneeled down by the grave stone and rubbed his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve, "Hans wants to visit him soon, in between his exams, of course." Sebastian mused and placed his own set of flowers down, they crinkled when they made contact with the grass.

_"Nah, I won't jump. Life isn't that bad." Ciel beamed, eyes outshining the hue of the setting sun which bathed them in a pretty light._  

Claude tapped Sebastian on the back, "I'll be waiting in the car, we need to head back soon, it will be hours with the rush hour traffic, you know what the M25 is like." Claude stated before looking at the slab of cold, grey stone. "Bye Kätzchen, see you around." He mumbled before turning to leave.

Sebastian waited until the sound of footsteps had disappeared before he let his hand trace the carvings on the slab, "It's been a while, eh?" He chuckled, tear rolling down his sharp cheekbone, "I met this guy the other week, he's really sweet and there might be something there. What do you think?" He asked the silence before him. "At least... at least I'm used to you not answering." He laughed through his tears.

He sniffed and brought his hand to the coat pocket that covered his thigh before pulling a sheet of paper out, "this was the last thing you gave me, remember?" He unfolded the crinkled piece of wood before reading it aloud, "Dearest Sebastian, I've never been one to stick around as you have probably noticed. Lenny dies at the end in of mice and men , by the way. I doubt that you'd finish reading the book for a while. He gets shot in the head by George... his own best friend. In these past few weeks, I have been enjoying Peter Pan again and I think that you're definitely  _my_  Peter Pan. I know you can't whisk me away to some fake island where I can live out my days as a lost boy, but you've given me the chance to be young for once and have things normal.... normal kids have." Sebastian choked out, he cleared his throat and caressed the gravestone with a shaky hand, "Take comfort in the fact that I forgive you for leaving me as I hope you forgive me too, and in my last moments I thought of everything we ever talked about, and I know that when my life flashes before my eyes I will smile when I see your dorky face."

The tears fell freely as Sebastian recounted every memory he and the boy had shared, from the food fights to the retro games they played, every conversation they had on the phone and every battle of words they shared. It came flooding through his head like a wave of tears and happiness, all swirling and mixed, a jumbled mess that Sebastian could never control.

He breathed heavily, before finishing the letter, "From your friend, reading partner, salad supplier and fellow shepherd, Ciel Phantomhive. P.s, tell Claude that I'm not a kitten as he implies, it's actually quite offensive seeing as I am allergic." Sebastian laughed again, sound rough at the back of his throat.

Sebastian heard the distinctive sound of a car horn beeping, telling him to hurry up their little meeting. "Look, I've got to go soon." He said, voice cracking, "I've moved down south quite a bit so we need to leave pretty quickly." He pressed closer, knees getting covered in sticky dirt. "I hope things are okay with you, ask Pam if there really is a library up there, although if that's the case I doubt you'd be listening to me. With all those books and all." Sebastian laughed, ignoring the dampness that climbed up his long coat. "I should probably say goodbye now. I'll try to visit you in the spring when I'm down here with Hans again, he misses you too."

Sebastian stopped himself before he got worked up and he pushed himself away from the memorial. Standing up, he pulled his coat around him further before looking down again and mumbling, "thank you, Ciel, for everything you gave me. I don't know who I'd be right now if it wasn't for you coming into my life, I just wish you could have stayed."

"I'm honoured to be your Peter Pan... and your friend." He added before turning away and stepping backwards, he knew that Ciel was constantly with him, his own little guardian angel that reminded him that everyone has a story, whether that be as a young boy with an alcoholic stepmother or as one with no parents and a solitary existence. Sebastian felt a spur of inspiration, a little spark that he carried with him and he knew that it was Ciel, residing inside of him. It's what pushed him to write the books he did, with the good grade he got in English and the books he was given by Ciel's Aunt, he carried on reading and writing and learning.

At only nineteen he published Ciel's story and began to spread his little friend's big message. And it was all because of _him_.

The leaves crunched underfoot as the man reached the car and Sebastian smiled through his tear-stricken appearance, reciting in his head the last thing Ciel had ever said, the line Sebastian thought about constantly, the sentence the boy had whispered in his ear five years ago to the very day.  _You know that place between asleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting... forever._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> I had such a big debate with myself as to whether it should end with Sebastian whisking him off of the edge of the building and acting all brave and that but... I think this is a bittersweet outcome and personally I prefer emotional endings... plus, as it said in the last chapter Bas isn't some 'tragic hero', so yeah... sorry if you don't like it.

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:  
> Pour Toujours ~ Forever


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